Changes....and they're mostly good!

It would be a huge understatement to say that the past 5-6 weeks have been a challenging and overwhelming at times. When John and I first decided to take Caleb to the neuropsychologist, we really had no idea what we were getting in to. In my simplistic (albeit delusional) mind, we were simply going to be formally told what we already knew, that Caleb has ADHD. Well, for starters, it's not even called ADHD anymore! He has attention deficit disorder with hyperactivity. Ok, whatever! Here we are 6 weeks later after hours of testing, 3 diagnoses and 2 medications in a completely different place.

We have managed to get Caleb's focus and attention into an "above average" range and have literally seen him take off at both at home and school. He's only a couple points away from a second grade reading level, he's excelling at math and science and his writing has improved dramatically. We've seen a whole new side of him that we always knew was there but only got glimpses of before. He will spend hours drawing, creating and coloring all kinds of little boy master pieces. He loves to build all kinds of things with his itty bitty legos that he never had the patience before. It is amazing to see him do things that he's always been capable of but didn't quite have the focus for! The look of sheer amazement and joy that I see in his eyes when he accomplishes something new is a beautiful thing!

Before I start to sound like my child is a poster child for medication, this has definitely all come at a cost. There have been side effects of the medication (almost a complete loss of appetite and difficulty sleeping, both of which we are dealing with for now) and the down-sides of having above-average focus (which in his case includes some moderate to severe sensory issues and OCD type behaviors). The sensory and OCD issues are the hardest to deal with and I am very thankful to have some non-medication pathways to explore in dealing with these.

As a feisty mama bear, I have wrestled with all of this immensely in the past few weeks. It has all weighed heavily on my heart at times. And yet, I know that right now, this is where we are supposed to be. I have two dear friends who are dealing with lifelong challenges with their children who have been an invaluable support to me. One has a 7 year old boy who was recently diagnosed with similar issues and they are exploring both medication and non-medication therapies for him. We've been able to bounce ideas off each other and encourage one another along the way. My other friend has a toddler with severe food intolerances and allergies who has gone down an incredibly difficult road of healing with a diet that is truly healing her entire family from the inside out. It is awe inspiring to hear the victories that have come from her passionate commitment. She has also been a source of support, encouragement and resources.  I have been compiling a TON of information on neurochemical imbalances and gut issues that I need to slowly process and pray about whether or not there is a better way to deal with Caleb's issues. For now, though, I am at peace with the choices we have made and know that the benefits are outweighing the unwanted challenges that come along the way. One small step at a time.....

My boy of few words

Aside from the crazy ups and downs on our journey with Caleb over the past month or so, we've entered into a really difficult phase with our little guy. A couple months ago, when he was first diagnosed with a speech delay, he had about a 12 month gap between his expressive speech and his receptive speech. He initially had about 6-8 words (as opposed to the 50-250 he should have). 3 months into speech therapy, he's up to about 10-12 words he uses consistently and 4-5 signs. He doesn't use any two word phrases. He will very rarely imitate words without being significantly coaxed. He's developed this not-so-cute little habit of "shooshing" anyone (including his speech therapist!) who asks him to repeat something. While I have continued to tell myself that he is going to catch up eventually and try really hard to not allow myself to compare him to other little boys, it's been a very slow and frustrating process. More than anything I want him to be able to tell me what he wants, what he's upset about, what he likes and on and on. 

The biggest battle we're dealing with right now is that since he has so few words to tell us when he's frustrated, he hits. And if you tell him not to hit, the smart little bugger kicks or throws, or pinches. I'll be honest, I'm really, really tired of it. It feels ridiculous to have to continually remind myself that HE'S the 2 year old and I'M the mom! It doesn't set a very good example for the mom to stomp her feet and throw a hissy along with the 2 year old!  We're pretty much at a loss as to how to handle him right now. Nothing that we've tried is making any difference. So, this weekend along with school projects and Christmas decorating, I'm going to be pulling out all of my parenting books and doing some research  for some new or creative ways to approach this little situation! And, in the meantime, I'll be enjoying as many glasses of mommy-juice as my diet allows!

Peeling back layers

The journey to get to the bottom of Caleb's attention and focus issues has become one of the most difficult paths we've gone down as a family. Although it's a completely different set of issues with very different daily implications, it's been every bit as difficult as the process we went through with Noah earlier this year. Needless to say, it's been painful....draining....exhausting....and quite frankly, it sucks. But, I have a very dear friend who has reminded me at critical points along the way that there is always HOPE. I am so very thankful for HOPE. Hope for healing, hope for balance, hope for a child who will know that no matter what obstacles, no matter how many ups and downs, his mama and papa love him fiercely and will always do anything in their power to help him.  And, in the meantime, we will continue to peel back the layers of everything that's going on with our big boy.

Happy update

To be totally honest, this week was really hard....for many reasons....but there were  several things along the way that made me stop and be thankful for all the good things going on.  In spite of the time change, I realized that the boys and I have finally settled into a pretty good evening routine. One of the challenges of having a hubby whose primary working hours are in the late afternoons and evenings is that I'm on my own with the boys for dinner bath and bed 4-5 nights a week. Although we have the flip-side blessing of him being around for the morning craziness, evenings with 2 tired boys and a tired mama can be very long.  I've long since realized that a routine is very important. It felt like it took forever after moving to get settled into a routine, but I feel like we're mostly there. Obviously, there are times that evenings are still rough and the routine goes out the window, but it felt really good to realize that we've finally settled into a bit of a groove!

The second thing that we are thrilled about is how well Caleb has responded to his medication. We started him on the lowest dose last week and saw some nice changes but realized we weren't quite there yet.  After re-testing, the doctor recommending upping his dose to the next level. We saw BIG improvements in his focus. His teacher was also impressed with the difference it made. While medicating my child is not something I ever thought I'd do, it is truly pure joy to see him function to the best of his abilities. I really wanted to know how he was feeling about it, so I asked how his body felt now that he's taking this medicine. His response? "My brain feels SO SMART, Mama!". Brought tears to my eyes. We very quickly, though, talked about how his brain was already smart and the medication is just helping him USE the smart part of his brain.

So, there are some of the happy thoughts for the week....more to come later!

Expect the unexpected

**Similar to my post about our decisions in schooling our boy, this post comes from a desire to share our story not just for our own sake but in hopes that maybe reading about our journey and struggles may be encouraging to others who are dealing with similar challenges.**

In my nearly 7 years as a mama, I have learned time and time again that I should be prepared for the unexpected. I can't even recall all the unexpected scenarios that have played out over the course of Caleb's little life. And yet, when it came down to our most recent quest for a diagnosis and help for him, I was once again completely caught off guard when it came to dealing with the outcome.

I have known in my heart of hearts for some time now that Caleb has attention and focus issues. Let's be real, he comes by it honestly! I also knew that, while we could compensate for it while homeschooling, there would come a time that we would need to formally address the matter. I could tell as we got into more challenging curriculum last spring that it was going to be hard to keep him focused on school no matter what setting we were in. After coping with the transition in schools, he's done a really good job settling into a routine now. His teacher often praises him and he is doing well, but he has a very, very hard time staying focused long enough to complete his work. So, we decided to proceed with further evaluation....the same evaluation I indefinitely postponed last year.

We are blessed to have a very experienced neuropsychologist here in town who has been a pioneer in brain research for the last 30 years.  He is one of the few in this area that does objective testing for ADHD and is extremely judicious in prescribing medication and adjusting dosages. Needless to say, the initial testing concluded with no question that he, in fact, does have ADHD. But, that's not all there was to it. Hence the unexpected part.

80% of children with ADHD also have some other underlying disorder. In my mind, the issues we have seen at home all seemed to fit under the umbrella of ADHD but, that is not the case. After some preliminary testing, he appears to have an auditory processing disorder. This is not something that will get better with the traditional treatments for ADHD but will require other therapies. Before we can even get to the core of the issue, though, we have to get his focus under control so he can have further testing.

After a lot of questioning, researching, and prayer, we went ahead with some medical testing to make sure that there were no issues that could be exacerbated by a stimulant medication. We got the go-ahead from his pediatrician on Friday and so we have started him on the lowest dose of Concerta. He will take it until Tuesday when he goes back to repeat the test to see if his focus is better. The doctor anticipated that he will most likely need to go one notch above the minimum dose to get the full benefit. Hopefully in a couple weeks we'll be able to move on with more testing for the other problem.

I found myself feeling really sad and overwhelmed after learning that he didn't "just" have ADHD. It's hard to think about my baby, whom I love fiercely, having to overcome some possibly significant obstacles to learning in his life. I know and completely trust that God is completely in control of his life, but even still, my mama heart hurts a little. I wish with all my heart that I could take this burden from him  (and Noah's from him as well), but I can't. But I can, and certainly will, do everything in my power to make things a smooth for both of them as possible!

A Bitter Loss of Innocence

Last Friday was just one of those days that basically nothing went the way I wanted it to. After a long morning of shuffling things around and fun things falling through, I decided I really needed to change my pouty attitude and find other ways to enjoy the day.

My new plan involved picking Caleb up from school and take the boys to the park to enjoy the beautiful fall afternoon we were having. One of our best friends met us there for a bit and then a crew showed up and took down the fences around all the new playground equipment! We had been waiting for those fences to come down all summer! The boys had a blast! The new equipment is fabulous. Noah discovered he loves to climb (scares me to death!). As the sun started to go down, we decided it was time to go home and spend the evening with daddy, who was getting off work early.

Then we got to my car. There was a lovely pile of shattered glass next to the front passenger window. I wanted to scream profanities and vomit all at the same time. But, instead, I exercised my best mama self-control and did neither of those things in front of my children.  I called the sheriff's department, knowing full well it would be a waste of time, which it was, but felt like I should tell someone "official".  And, yes, I am one of those stupid mom's who leaves her purse in the car while we're in the park so I don't walk off and leave it for someone to steal when I'm distracted with my kids. (I KNOW this is a stupid thing to do, so no lectures are necessary, thank you.) This time, I will say though, in my own defense that it was actually covered. And then it dawned on me why the thieves would have been motivated to break in....my husband has a hand gun that he carries at home and work, but until he has his concealed carry permit (don't even get me started on that ridiculous process), he transports it to and from work in a small, locked safe that is usually attached to the bolts holding the seat in. The connecting cable had snapped a few days before, so the (praise the Lord) EMPTY gun safe was sitting on the passenger seat. Never even occurred to my naive mind how attractive that would be to some dumb thugs. And, no, it was not hard after that to find my purse.

Let me just say that I am so thankful that not only were we safe and protected, but the gun safe empty (SUCKERS!!!!), and my wallet only had $4 cash in it. That said, I lost my expensive prescription glasses I am bound to 24/7 ( I was wearing my equally expensive prescription sunglasses in the park), my ID, checkbook, credit cards, etc. All my cards come from the same bank so one phone call to a very kind customer service associate took care of that. The rest will take time and some money to replace.

So that long, drawn out story brings me to the title of this post. My six year old was completely dumbfounded that someone would break into a car that doesn't belong to him (or her) and take things that were not his. I cried when I realized that he still assumed that "bad guys" only exist in movies and that people are all good in real life.  It was really hard for him to understand. I explained that there are people that make really bad choices and do mean, bad things. As he mulled that over, he started to panic.  "But, Mom, what if the bad guys follow us home?" "What if they come back and take more stuff?" "What if they hurt us?". All those questions and the worried tone in his voice shattered my heart just like the window glass.

I realized that it's only just beginning.....as he grows and matures and experiences more of the bad side of the world we live in, his innocence will slowly be lost. And there's very little I can do to protect him from that. But, what I can do is prepare him for it. He asked me to pray on the way home (which I was already doing since I was driving home with my sunglasses on after the sun went down!) and then later at home just spontaneously prayed again on his own.  The rest of the evening involved more praying and a lot of re-assuring that those same bad guys were not going to find our home. (Which I could thankfully do since nothing in my purse, drivers license included, had our new home address on it).

A very bitter loss of innocence, indeed. Oh, my sweet boy, how I wish I could protect you and insulate you from all the bad stuff in the world.

The little dudes

I've been spending quite a bit of time on the couch the past few days thanks to my little shingles situation, so I thought I'd write a little update on my boys.

Caleb is finishing up his 3 week at Fresno Christian and we are simply thrilled with the whole situation. He is doing great. His teacher said that he is focused (which truly surprises us), engages well in class and is kind to his classmates. Her only "constructive criticisms" (which she explained to me with a smile and no irritation whatsoever) were that his desk is messy and he tends to try to "debate" with her. (NO idea where he gets that from!!!) He loves school and is growing tremendously day by day. We are so thankful that after our initial school crisis, we have been able to settle into such a great place.

Noah is now 2 months into his speech therapy program. His progress has honestly been much slower than I hoped it would be, but we are seeing some good changes. He's only started spontaneously using one new word (bringing him to a grand total of 10 words whereas he should have between 50 and 250), but he is making good progress with his sign language. I'm really not concerned that he's never going to talk but it is really hard to deal with his level of frustration when he can't communicate things to me. Having a 12 month gap in what he understands and what he can express is a big deal for a little guy like him. We're going to keep persevering and praying that either his verbal language will catch up or we'll all become fluent in ASL.

In the meantime, they are keeping us busy and on our toes....and we're thankful for all of it!

A Renaissance Year

As my birthday approached this year, I found myself feeling very pensive and reflective. I never had the "I can't believe I'm turning 30" crisis, so when I started having a bit of a meltdown about turning 35, I was caught off guard. As the summer came to a close this year, I found myself in a bit of a dark place. I think all the events of the year had started to take their toll on me. Combining that with the fact that I have seriously neglected my own physical, spiritual and emotional well being in the midst of all the chaos left me treading the murky waters of self-pity, sadness and a discontented heart. Definitely not a place I wanted to be for long.

In the weeks leading up to my birthday, I felt like I was at a Y in the road. I could continue down the same path I was on or I could chose something different. In spite of the fact that we have suffered loss, and been through the stress of a move and a chronically ill child, we have been blessed beyond measure as well. We are finally living in a home we love, where we have all the space we need, our kids are happy and mostly healthy and John and I both have jobs we love and allow us to be very flexible and to be our children's primary caregivers. And, above all else, I serve a big God who loves me and cares for me no matter what.

So, I chose to do something different this year. I am choosing to do some things that are very important to my heart like growing in my relationship with Christ, finding new and simple ways to manage life and to take care of my body by changing my eating and exercising. Whoa! One might say, but in all reality, I am starting off with very small steps in each of these areas to make sure that I can manage for the long haul.

My hope and prayer is that as I intentionally take time to take care of me, Julie, I will in turn be a better wife to my husband, mama to my boys, friend to my friends and therapist to my patients. I can't do those things well when Julie is not ok. And, let me just add, I am incredibly grateful that I am in a place in life where I CAN do these things.

After processing all of my emotions and beginning to make changes, I came to the conclusion that there is no reason that 35 can't be my best year yet!

After fall comes winter.....

I love fall. It is by far my favorite time of year.  The chilly nights and mornings are warm afternoons are such a welcome change after the scorching summer heat in Fresno. I'm finding myself this year, though, dealing with a sense of anxiety and anticipation. As we head into fall, we get closer to winter and that is what brings these unsettling feelings. Last winter was one of the most stressful I have ever experienced. Having a baby who was well for no more than 13 days in a row took a toll on all of us. The seemingly endless nights of a crying baby who was unconsolable brings back sickening memories.  The days of being utterly exhausted and not being able to go anywhere weighed on us. The endless doctor appointments, tests and waiting was so frustrating. But, we finally got some answers and got into the care of an excellent specialist who was willing to dig until we figured our little mystery boy out. As winter gave way to spring this year, we started finally started heading in the right direction. Although we're still dealing with some of the long term implications of what he's been through, he's been well for the majority of the summer. We've now gotten to the point where he can go most places without worrying about him getting sick, with one major exception.

Unfortunately, the one place we'd really like him to be able to go is the toddler class at our church. We decided to try this again a week ago to see if his immune system was ready to be around other children. The answer? No. Tuesday morning he woke up clearly not feeling well and we later found out that he has a swollen throat with sores in it. :( So, for now, we will continue to pack a bag full of activities for him and are thankful for a large church that always has other young (and sometimes noisy) children in the services!

So, why re-hash all of this now? The truth is, we have no idea what to expect this winter.  Because there is still a lot unknown about Noah's condition, even the specialist doesn't know if or when his immune system will fully develop and function. Research and case studies of other children indicate that each year should get better and that his system should be fully kicked in by age 5. How accurate and comprehensive this research is, I don't really know.

Hence, the feelings of apprehension and anxiety as we head into the winter. We can only hope and pray that this year will be better and that Noah's system will be more effective in fighting off infection. At the very least, we already have a specialist on board who has made it very clear that we will explore more aggressive treatment options this winter if he starts to head down the same road. It is very comforting to me to know that, at the very least, we won't have to spend all winter suffering and feeling lost. I won't have to feel like a crazy mom. I won't have to look in my little boys teary eyes and say, "I don't know what to do for you." That is VERY comforting to me.

Ultimately, we are confident that the Lord has this all figured out, even if He's not showing us all the cards yet. Our little guys life and well being are in His hands, and truly, there's no better place to be! So, here's to a healthy winter!

Schooling our boy

Most of you know that we homeschooled Caleb for kindergarten last year. It was a great year for all of us. He loved learning and John and I really enjoyed being intimately involved in every aspect of his education. It was the right thing for our family. Things started to change a bit in the spring. Life got very chaotic with a little brother who was sick most of the time and a growing desire to be with other kids and go to "regular" school. So, we started looking in to where we could send Caleb to school. We looked at our neighborhood school and decided that would not be a good option for him. Next, I looked into the school near where both John and I work and it seemed to be a viable option. Then, we heard about a small charter school very close to where we used to live. While I was never completely clear on how the whole charter concept works, they were under the umbrella of our local school district, while offering an accelerated, international baccalaureate program and maintaining many of the classes that most schools have had to cut due to money (art, foreign language, PE, music, and leadership).

We wrestled with the idea of not homeschooling anymore. To be completely frank, John struggled more with the idea of sending Caleb to a public school than I did. School in general was not a great experience for him and he is adamant that his son will not go through what he did. We came to a sense of peace, though, after talking through the idea that we are not handing our son's education over to someone else and washing our hands of it, rather we are choosing to allow our child to be taught by others in a setting outside our home that we can still be involved with. That's what made the most sense for our family this year.

So, with all the best in mind, we sent Caleb off for his first day at the charter school and that vision of the great, public school education for this year almost immediately began to unravel. Every thing from minor dress code violations to ansy feet that like to tap while doing work (imagine that!) to testing authority on the playground turned into major drama. My gut was screaming at me from the beginning "GET HIM OUT!!!". But, at the same time, I was confused and frustrated, KNOWING that Caleb is perfectly capable of succeeding at this school but coming up against wall after wall in terms of helping him adjust to a classroom and a VERY long day (bell-to-bell teaching from 7:45 to 3:45). How can this be? How can there be such unwillingness to help my child succeed? What are we supposed to do now???? School has already started! Do we move him? Do we home school again?  What now???? Where did this angry, over-tired and generally crabby child come from? What happened to our upbeat, happy boy?

Those were just a few of the questions racing around our heads for 2 weeks. At the end of the second week after an e-mail from his teacher that tore me up, we decided that regardless of what the next step was,  we had to take him out.  So, we did just that. We then spent Labor Day weekend trying to sort out what to do next. That felt like one of the longest long weekends EVER. There was nothing we could do about it but pray. And that we did. A lot.

That next week, door after door opened up. We have been blessed with the opportunity to put Caleb at Fresno Christian School this year. From the very first person I talked to there, it felt right. I read (just about) every word of their handbook, their education philosophy, went and visited the class and met his teacher and everything else possible to develop a comfort level with the school before we even considered putting Caleb there. At every point along the way, we were affirmed that this was the right place for our son. He spent the day in the the classroom today and loved it! He will officially start on Monday. We could not be happier!

So, why put this all out there? Why share such a painful and tedious process with the world? A couple quick things. First, I have really come to believe that no matter what your educational philosophy, it is our job as parents to evaluate our child's individual needs each year. Just because we homeschooled for one year and then went to a brick and mortar school doesn't mean we will never home school again. It's just going to depend on what is right for each of our children each year. Secondly, my mama gut has never failed me and I should have listened the minute it started screaming to get him out of the charter school. Never again will I ignore my gut. Nope. Not gonna do it. And lastly, even if we made the wrong choice right off the bat, it is still our choice and responsibility as parents to do what is in our child's best interest even if that means changing things up or being unconventional.

Well, there you have it! If you made it all the way though this post, thank you! I truly hope that our story will encourage other's out there who may be struggling with educating their children. Next, it's back to recipes and my home made shenanigans!

Laundry detergent, baby wipes and a little irony

I mentioned in my last post that I have been making some of our frequently used household products. I am doing this to cut down on cost but also to continue to rid our home of chemicals. So, both of these things are very easy to do and very cost efficient.

For the laundry detergent, I bought a box of 20 Mule Team borax (available in most large grocery stores) for $4, a box of Arm and Hammer Super Washing Soda for $3.50, and a 3 pack of Kirk's castille soap for $3.70. For just over $10, I have the supplies to make 4-5 months worth of laundry detergent. I was buying the Kirkland brand "natural and environmentally friendly" detergent before that for $13 per jug that lasted less than 2 months. Doesn't add up to a ton of cash saved, but combined with other efforts, I'm "trimming the fat" so to speak.

Laundry Detergent "Recipe"

1 cup borax

1 cup washing soda

1 bar soap

Grate the soap on a box cheese grater and mix together with other 2 ingredients. I store mine in a rubber maid plastic drink bottle with a snap on lid. For large or particularly dirty loads, use 2 tablespoons of the mixture. For smaller loads, 1 tablespoon is enough.

Our clothes come out of the wash fresh, clean and with just a faint (natural) scent of the castille soap. I made some for a friend of mine with Ivory soap because of allergy issues and it's both easier to grate up because it's softer as well as less expensive. I like the castille soap because we don't have allergy issues with the ingredients and it does not have any synthetic ingredients.

I was a little concerned about the harshness of the soda and borax, but in reading up on them both individually and combined,  and found that if I were to use the recommended 1/2 CUP "booster" they both recommend on their boxes in every load of wash, I would probably destroy our clothes! But, in 2 tablespoon increments without other soaps, it's perfectly gentle!

On to the baby wipes: this one is really easy too. Saw a giant Bounty roll of paper towels in half and place cut side down in a large plastic container (the only one I found that worked is a generic rectangular plastic tub from Walmart (where I really hate shopping). Otherwise, I'd have to put them in a heavy and cumbersome glass jar that I don't want to mess with while changing a very squirmy 2 year old. Oh, and I did not do cost comparison on this one yet. I've just wanted to try these for a long time! 

Diaper Wipe "Recipe"

2 cups warm water

2 tablespoons vegetable oil

2 tablespoons baby wash

10-12 drops tea tree oil

Combine all the liquids and pour over the paper towel roll. You don't have to use the tea tree oil, but I use it as a preservative because my first batch of wipes got stinky after a few days because there wasn't any other preservative and they go bad. 

So, here's the ironic part. Back in high school and college, I never saw myself becoming a "domestic", make-your-own anything kind of wife or mother. Let's be frank, I didn't even picture myself cooking meals let alone making laundry detergent and baby wipes! As a matter of fact, my one of my aunts knew someone who had a key chain that said, "My only domestic quality is that I live in a house". I wanted that keychain so badly because it was the perfect description of me!  Who knew I'd turn into this crunchy, earth and budget conscious kind of mom? Ha! 

Back to raising boys

I feel like my blog went from being all about my boys and our family to basically just being about our adoption journey. I have always been the kind of person that struggles with dwelling on the hard stuff and heartbreak and sometimes I just have to acknowledge that there is pain to be dealt with but that I need to focus on something else for a while. So, I am going to do a series of posts on what my journey of raising boys has been like in the past couple months, adoption drama aside.

One of my seemingly never ending quests is to be more conscientious of the foods my kids are eating and the products that are in our home. One of the things I am wanting to tackle now is the fact that there are always 3 kinds of milk in our refrigerator. I drink regular cows milk, Noah (who is allergic to soy and dairy) has almond milk and John (who does not digest the milk protein) and Caleb drink soy milk.  I am becoming more and more concerned about all the issues surrounding soy and would really like to get the soy milk out of the house. There's nothing wrong with the unsweetened almond milk Noah has, but it does not have a ton of nutritional value to it. So, I decided to research raw milk.

One of the many agricultural benefits to living in the central valley is that Organic Pastures, one of the premiere raw milk farms in the state is just outside of town. I did a lot of reading about raw milk and then also got a lot of information from one of my girlfriends sisters who works there. Initially, I was not even going to consider switching my immuno-suppressed child to unpasteurized dairy but began to change my mind when I dug deeper into the facts. There have been fewer cases of milk contamination from raw milk than pasteurized milk in the past few years, so there is really no safety net just because it's heated to a certain temperature before it's shipped. I also learned that it tends to be much easier to digest because it contains all of it's live, natural properties when it is NOT heated.

I got some good tips in my reading and from my contact at OP on how to introduce raw milk into our diets and make sure that everyone is actually tolerating it. The one major draw back is the price. It is a LOT more than regular milk, although there is not as shocking of a price difference between it and the almond and soy milk I'm already buying.  Nevertheless, I have started looking for ideas and ways to cut down on other household expenses to offset the cost difference. That leads me into the topic for my next post, the homemade laundry detergent and baby wipes I've started making.

So, if I haven't already bored you out of your minds, come on back a little later and I'll share some cool ideas! And yes, I do seem to becoming more "crunchy", "roots and berries" or just plain crazy the older I get in case you were wondering!

Betrayed

I'm pissed and I'm not going to hold back on this post. That won't surprise those of you who know me well, but for the rest of you....be prepared!!!!!

I've known all of my adult life that our foster care and protective custody systems are broken. I've seen this broken system fail child after child. But, I've never had to stand by and watch it betray and utterly fail two little girls I love with a passion. To make a very long story short, the previous social worker involved with the girls case basically decided she was too busy to do her job and punted the case to an adoption specialist without doing her job. The most critical thing she decided not to do was document ANY of the issues with grandma. None of the court order violations during visitations or the subsequent cancellation of her visits was documented. None. And this woman gets paid to do this job, mind you. So, the adoption case worker is obligated BY LAW to start ALL OVER with the grandmother. Today, she was awarded temporary custody of the girls. They will return to the very place they were abused in unfathomable ways. In my mind, there is no worse betrayal. Our system has failed. Miserably. And broken quite a few hearts along the way. EPIC FAILURE in the truest sense of the term.

What a difference a few days makes....

I really can't put into words the difference a few days of being on "stay-cation", away from basically all my responsibilities! Our boys have been with my in-laws since Monday morning and John and I have had an AH-MAY-ZING time of relaxing, doing some fun projects, going to movies, trying new restaurants and just hanging out. I had honestly forgotten how many things we love to talk about that don't revolve around our children! Don't get me wrong, I love raising these boys together, but I really do love remembering all the things we had in common and enjoyed doing before we had babies.

In all reality, our vacation could not have come at a better time. This entire year has been exhausting but the intensity of the past couple months has been overwhelming. Last week, as we processed the devastating news about the girls (I'll get back to that in another post), I almost felt like the world was crumbling around me. But, in the midst of that, I was reminded of the enormously blessed, happy life I have been undeservedly given. I have the two most amazing little boys who call me mama. I have an incredible husband who I get to do life with. Together, we have been blessed beyond measure. We still have a lot to deal with in regards to the girls and need to pray about the future of our family. But, the best part is that we both feel more rested and relaxed that we have in months and finally feel equipped to deal with the excited and difficult things that lie ahead!

A broken dream

This is a post I've been putting off writing for several days now. I simply don't have the emotional fortitude to go into detail right now, but our adoption process has come come to a stop. On Wednesday, I was told the girls were going to be moving out of their current foster home and into another temporary home. There are several reasons why this can't be our home. After processing that change of events, we had to back ourselves up away from the picture and take a seriously hard look at ALL the pieces of the puzzle. And that is what brought us to a stop. Please pray for us as we prayerfully consider where to go from here and what the plan for these beautiful girls is. I know that's all very vague but it hurts to much to think about, let alone put in words what is going on. I did want to share this latest turn of events, though, because so many of you have been supporting us in amazing ways and we need your love, support and prayers now more than ever.

After having a little get-together for Noah's birthday on Sunday, John and I are "going off the grid" so we can enjoy our much anticipated 3 night vacation. Please pray that it will be the time of relaxation and fun that we really want (and I think I can say NEED) and that we would be able to continue processing where to go from here with the girls.

We are so very grateful for the love and support of our family and friends!

Noah Wesley

Noah. My little dude. You were a surprise from the moment you were conceived and have surprised us in one way or another just about every day of your tender little life. You came into the world the most serene, easy going baby.  Right from the get-go, you peacefully napped in a hospital nursery full of screaming babies. You let us sleep pretty well right away, you easily fell asleep in our arms and were just an easy going little guy. And then your spice started showing up....you crawled at 8 months, walked at 10 months and were running by your first birthday. As soon as you could move, you were always after your brother or looking for something to get into. You developed this little personality that was constantly in awe of the world around you. You would point your chubby little finger and "oooooooo" at just about anything that caught your eye. You would giggle every time your brother came near or your papa walked in the door.  And even as you started getting sick so often, your sweet and spicy personality still shined through.

We went through a few long, difficult months with you when we wondered and agonized over what was going on with your little body and prayed that it was nothing catastrophic. It broke our hearts to see you in such misery so often and not be able to take the pain away from you. You were such a champ dealing with all the doctors visits and needle pokes, and entertained nurses, techs and doctors everywhere we went. Once we had a diagnosis, we continued to plug along through our sleepless night and your pain. And through it all, you managed to head right into your terrible two's at the tender age of 18 months. But, we wouldn't have it any other way, my sweet boy.  We love you more than you can imagine and are so excited to see what the Lord has in store for your life!

Melting hearts

This morning's visit was a long-time coming. John and I were anxious and excited as we drove over to see little M and A. And what happened when we got there was exactly what I expected and hoped for...it was mutual love. Once M showed me all the new things she can do since the last time I treated her and we were down on the floor with them, they soon discovered just what kind of amazing guy he is. They were fascinated with some of the cool gadgets in his pockets, loved his creative ideas for building things with blocks and the fact that he's a pretty cool jungle gym.  The whole time we sat and played with them, I couldn't stop thinking, "Oh, sweet ones, if only you knew how much we already love you and what this man would do for you....you will NEVER be hurt again".  

One of the things that the girl's foster mom has frequently said to me is, "M can really be a handful sometimes...she gets pretty wound up sometimes". While we were playing with them, M got a bit "riled up" and was throwing some toys around, and thus she was gently corrected by her foster mom who then gave me the "see what I mean?" look.  I couldn't help but chuckle and think to myself, "Clearly, you have never met my biological offspring!!! This is NOTHING!!!". Granted,  I would never presume that her little moments we witnessed this morning are as amped as she can get, but I just couldn't help but think how well they would blend in with our boys.

So, now the next big step is for the boys to meet them. That will either happen this weekend or next Tuesday morning. THAT will be a big deal!!!

Oh, and ps....I'll be back soon to post about this feisty red-head's latest undertakings and my adorable boys! So, stay tuned! :)

Confusion and Progress

I am far too emotionally drained to blog about all the ups and downs of this week. We have gone from being told the girls could be with us within a month (which struck panic in my heart) to now possibly having everything come to a screeching halt until the next court date which isn't scheduled until NOVEMBER. The most recent delay is due to their current social worker passing the buck before going on maternity leave.  But, our background checks were completed today and we are going to proceed with our visitation with the girls that will start next week.  Next Tuesday morning, John and I will be going to spend some time with the girls. It will be the first time John meets them and I can't wait! After that meeting, we will figure out how to introduce the boys to them. Then, there will probably be a whole lot more waiting.

It would be the understatement of the year to say that I'm frustrated with "the system". I hate not knowing. I hate being in limbo. I hate that the girls are still potentially weeks or months away from their forever home. But, I do know that my God is bigger than all of this and that He already has this figured out. Our hope is in Him and we trust Him. And that's the bottom line.

Another step in the right directon

I have to start this post by saying that this past week has been incredibly hard in terms of dealing with the adoption. I came very near the point of saying, "Screw it! I can't handle this and we just need to walk away because I care too much and I'm tired of hurting!" But, I could not shake the ever present reminder that this is NOT about ME, it's about these beautiful baby girls who desperately need a permanent home. Our system is so broken and it's devastating that so many little ones are stuck in it!

Ok, so down to the news: yesterday, the judge in their case finalized the "permanent non-reunification" of M and A with their biological mother. She has exhausted her appeals and it is done. There are a few more steps for her in terms of terminating her rights to any future children she may bear (like the one she is pregnant with now) but she will never again have custody of M and A.  The grandmother was also formally reprimanded for having the bio mom with her and another convicted felon at their last visit and had to sign an agreement that she would not do it again. The girls then had to go spend four hours with her this afternoon and guess what? They came home talking about their "auntie". The same one from last week who is a felon. Their foster mom is pretty sure that she sealed her fate by doing that. She's also fairly certain that the social worker will take the girls' word for it as they have been very accurate about other things they have said.

All of this is great news in terms of our bringing them "home", but if there is one thing I've learned during my short time dealing with the system is that you just never know. It could still be weeks or months before everything is finalized, especially since their social worker is going on maternity leave this week! But, we are continuing to pray and remain optimistic that, in the end, they will end up right where the Lord intends for them to be.  Obviously, we hope that's here!!! Keep praying for us!

Much Ado About Nothing

This is definitely not the post I wanted to write tonight. I'm sad and angry. And what's worse, our girls have experienced the neglect of our system in the past few days. That really makes this mama bear want to roar. Here's the short synopsis of the past few days: as ordered by the judge, the girls had an unsupervised visit with the biological grandmother (gm) on Thursday. It was several hours shorter than it should have been because gm simply left and said she "was done". M (age 4) cried the rest of the afternoon. Then Saturday rolled around and gm was supposed to keep them overnight. She picked them up from their foster mom and left. She was back 2 hours later. Pulled up to their house with both girls in the car with their car seats unbuckled AND with their biological mother (the BM as I fondly call her) in the car!!!! Now, not only is it crazy that she brought them back early and they were unsafe in the car, this woman has sworn up and down that she has no relationship with the BM and that the girls would not be around her if she adopted them! Not to mention the fact that there is a restraining order in effect against the BM stating she is not to be within 100 yard of the girls without court supervision. GM had no explanation for why she decided not to keep them all night.  This time, not only did M cry all evening, but she started having potty accidents, which she has not had in weeks.

The silver lining in all of the mess with the weekend visit was supposed to be that when GM went to court this morning to give an update about the visitations and ask for permanent custody of the girls, the social worker and the girls' attorney would be armed with the reports from their foster mom. She has essentially sealed her fate by breaking 2 laws in the course of one visit. There's little question that a judge will look at that and dismiss her as a fit parent. Here's the kicker, though. Because this all happened over the weekend, foster mom had to rely on the fact that the social worker's and attorney's are supposed to check their e-mail and voice mails before court. Neither of them did. So, now, we don't know if grandma even showed up for court and if so, what she told the judge. I could go for days on our ridiculous system and how these girls are getting shuffled around like pets, at best. But, I don't have it in me to rant.

Please, please pray with us that our girls will not EVER have to go back to this woman's house. Please pray that their social worker and attorney will take this latest evidence to the judge ASAP. And, please pray that the judge will see this woman for what she really is and close the case. They need to be done. They need to be home. No one deserves to be bounced around like that, especially not our M and A.

A & M update

I had a great conversation with the girls foster mom today and got the latest scoop on where we're at. The grandmother who appeared wanting to take 2 year old A (but would only take M if her check is big enough) is still in the picture trying to gain custody of the girls. However, the mental health case worker involved with the girls in highly skeptical of her and says that she doesn't see how this woman will prove herself fit to raise these children. The good news there is that the mental health case worker's opinion is the one the judge weighs the heaviest when making his decision. The sad news is that after spending one hour unsupervised (court ordered) with her, M came home in tears. The grandmother would only say "she's fine, she just had a couple episodes". Foster mom has no idea what that meant but is not allowed to press her for details. The girls are supposed to be spending 24-hours unsupervised with her this weekend to gain more info before their next court date next week. I am honestly praying that she will keep it together for the girls and then decide later that she's in over her head. I know, I really need to shift my attitude and pray that the Lord's will be done, whether that's the same as my plan or not!!

The last bits of good news are that all four of the decision makers involved in this case (the judge, attorney, social worker and mental health case worker) all know about us and are very happy we are waiting in the wings until the show is over, so to speak. After the dust has settled with their visits with the grandmother, we are hoping to get together for a playdate with the girls. In talking with the foster mom today, we decided that would be better for the girls than to start playdates now as we had originally planned. We don't want them to be overwhelmed with new environments, faces, etc.  Foster mom also told me today that M (age 4) is finally potty-trained! This little girl has gone from being bed-ridden with a serious leg fracture (having never walked prior to this either, mind you), malnourished, not talking or eating and diaper dependent to RUNNING, talking up a storm, eating and drinking normally and potty trained in 3 MONTHS!!!! What a testament to God's grace and an amazing foster family!!!

So, please keep us in your prayers as we continue to navigate these unfamiliar, and rather uncomfortable, waters. We want nothing more than to bring these girls home......and soon!!!

From four to six

I have hesitated for a long time to write this post, but decided that it's time to share. Ever since before we knew each other, John and I have each wanted to adopt a child or more. Before I met John,  I was determined that I would be a mom, one way or another, even if I never got married (probably not my best plan, but, hey, I was young!). When we were faced with the possibility of not having a biological child of our own, we talked about adoption first. The Lord, though, decided that we needed to have our biological children first.  Now that we have 2 beautiful boys, we would really love a little girl. But, pregnancy is neither easy or fun for me and there are some serious concerns about putting my body though that again.

We have continued to talk about growing our family and what that would look like, when it would happen, etc. At the beginning of 2011, when we were in the throes of looking for a house and dealing with a very sick child, I think either one of us would have laughed at the thought of growing our family this year! We have enough going on already, thank you! But, that all changed in March. Through my work, I met a little girl who grabbed my heart. She is in foster care after having been hospitalized with severe physical trauma suffered at the hand of her mother and her boyfriend.  A week later, I met her sister. They are 4 and 2 years old. They are simply amazing little girls. When I met them, they had only been in this stable, loving foster home for a week. I have watched in awe over the past couple months as both of them have flourished and thrived. They are safe, happy, loved and truly blossoming.

Shortly after meeting Miss M and Miss A (I'm not at liberty yet to share much about them), I began talking with their foster mother about our desires to adopt at some point. Her face lit up and said, "These girls are going to need a home! Their mother's rights are being terminated and my husband and I have always fostered on a short term basis and aren't going to keep them." Although I immediately questioned all the logistics, I learned that we can be mentored through the process of becoming certified foster parents (even though we will adopt, the county requires us to become certified foster parents first) because we know the girls already and because I am a healthcare provider, which would allow us to bring them into our home when the termination is complete even if all our paperwork isn't done. There are still many obstacles to be overcome and it is still not certain, but we are whole-heartedly invested in the process and praying for the Lord's outcome.

So, in short, no, we have not lost our minds (even though my husband did wonder what I was on when I told him that I found our daughters)!!!! We are praying for guidance and obviously hope that these two beautiful girls will complete our family! I'll keep updates coming on here as there is news. Hopefully there will be more to come soon!

Half way over?

It dawned on me this morning that today marks the official end of the first half of 2011. Really??? Where did the time go????? I've been really hard on myself lately...feeling like I should have all the boxes unpacked, walls decorated, floors scrubbed and house perfect by now. Oh, and of course, all the laundry should be done and perfectly balanced home-cooked meals should be on the table 3 times a day. RIGHT??? Um, no!!!

Honestly, I feel like the first half of this year has been one giant marathon. In January we started the nearly 3 month process of doctor appointments and tests that eventually led to several diagnoses for our Noah. February was full of doctor appointments and March was one long parade of family coming to visit which was a lot of fun. April was busy with all kinds of stuff for the new house, John traveling and kids being sick. May was more of the same, combined with a crazy amount of stress at work and then at the end of the month we finally moved! It's no wonder I'm tired! Moving with 2 little boys while working and doing all the little things that need to be done when you move has been exhausting, to say the least.

Needless to say, all of this has taken a toll on our family and we desperately want for the second half of the year to be a little less strenuous than the first! But, for now, there are a few positives that I need to focus on:

• We loooooove our house even though it feels like the project list will never end
• Noah qualified for the regional center 0-3 program for speech therapy which  will take a big financial burden! In order to qualify when you're under 2 (which is in August), you have to have a 33% delay in one area of development. His speech is 33.5% delayed!!! We will start within the next few weeks.
• I am escaping with a girlfriend and spending a "24-hour kid/family free" day tomorrow night and Saturday which will be very good for both of us!
• The kids are healthy!!!!

Here's to a less stressful second half of 2011!

My children's daddy

In our house he answers to Papa (German for Dad) and his boys absolutely adore him. The sun pretty much rises and sets over him as far as they are concerned. They run to the door when he comes home. They fight over who gets more attention from him. It's truly amazing. Seeing them play together, wrestle and do all kinds of boy things together just melts my heart. Listening to the way they talk to each other and the things that he is teaching our boys is a true joy.

I fully believe that when the Lord created John, he intended for him to be the daddy of two boys some day. He has endless energy for them. He is so creative with coming up with new activities and games. And he knows exactly what makes a little boy's heart tick. He takes my breath away when he challenges one of them to do something scary...I just want to rescue whoever it is but he waits patiently and gives all the right kind of encouragement until they succeed.

I certainly could not have hoped for a better partner in the parenting journey.  Our tears over the possibility of not having children of our own have given way to tears of joy, and sometimes, let's be honest, of frustration over our beautiful boys.  We have been blessed beyond measure with our boys and they have certainly been blessed with their daddy!

I love you, babe. Thank you for being such an awesome daddy for our boys!

Mi Viejo

Mi Viejo: literally, means my old man.  In Uruguay, where I live almost all of my formative years, it is most often used as a term of endearment for ones dad. And that, of course, is how I use it. 

On Father's day, there are two amazing men that I want to blog about: my dad and, of course, the father of my children. But, this one is for my dad. I should probably start by saying that I am still a bit of a daddy's girl, even at the ripe age of 34! I've actually even mastered the art of the puppy dog eyes as an adult and they work even better now than they did when I was young!

My dad has done some pretty incredible things with his life. He's worked with youth in one capacity or another for nearly all of his adult life...everything from running Campus Life Clubs to youth pastoring at a Mennonite Bretheren church to running a camp at the beach in Uruguay to working with incarcerated kids here in Fresno and, for the past 10 years, in Chicago.

He's inspiring to many, especially since he did not have the ideal childhood, came from a broken home without a lot of the guidance and parenting a boy needs. But, he certainly determined early on that he was going to do things differently with his family. Some of my earliest childhood memories are of wrestling, playing dog pile and reading with my dad. One of my favorite childhood rituals with my dad was playing "answer man" with him at bed time. Since my daddy was an all-knowing fountain of knowledge, I figured he'd know the answer to anything. He'd let me ask him 2 or 3 questions every night. No topic was off limits. I know many of them were random, silly things, but I also remember many of them being about matters of the heart. Even as I got older and my defiant, ugly attitude reared it's head, I always knew my dad would be there for any pressing matter than may be on my mind. And now that I am a grown woman, he's still there for me, even though from afar. Even recently as we have pondered and prayed about another significant change in our family, he has committed to not only praying for us, but learning how he can better support us through the process. Pretty amazing, if you ask me.

My dad is also a passionate man. He's passionate about his faith, his family, and his work. Even though there were times I wished he was a little less passionate about some things, I was always secure in knowing he would always, always protect me. I never really appreciated that as a young girl because it never occurred to me that not every girl was as blessed as I am, but as I have gotten older and have seen some pretty awful things happen at the hands of some fathers, I realize how incredibly fortunate I am to have a dad who would literally give his life for mine. Every little girl should have that, don't you think?

You know what I love most about my dad? He'll cry when he reads this. Because he's just that kind of man. I love you, Daddy, and wish I could be closer to you today!

Walking the walk

This afternoon after picking Caleb up from day camp, I had a very convicting moment in the car. We were about ready to drive through a green light when 2 teenage boys came flying across the street in front of us, and of course with no helmet. Being a pediatric PT as well someone who is related to several cyclists that have been saved by helmets, I'm kinda neurotic about my kids and their helmets. Never mind that it's ILLEGAL in CA for anyone under 18 to ride a bike without one. But, I digress. Back to my conviction.

"Wow!!!" I exclaimed when I saw them. "What Mama?" Caleb asked (who apparently was staring off into space the other direction). I explained what I saw and very quickly pointed out what a bad choice it was for them to not obey the red light but also to not wear helmets. He proceeds to say, "Ya, Mama, those guys are dummies!" I reply with, "Caleb, that is not kind and we don't call people that even if they made a bad choice." And then I felt the conviction....when I saw them and said "Wow" out loud, what I didn't say was the "What idiots those kids are!" that was running through my head. And less than a minute later I'm chastising my 6 year old for calling them dummies. Good work, mama.

I so easily jump to conclusions about people. What I should have thought was, "Wow, how sad that maybe those kids can't afford helmets" or "How sad that no one has taught them how important helmets are". No, instead I chalk them up as idiots and then tell my son not to call them dummies!

Oh, the things you learn as you parent and aspire to shape a child's heart and character!

EOB Shock!

You may recall my rant about Caleb's illness about a month ago and all the inconsistencies and conflicting information we got. I had commented throughout the post about not even wanting to think about the pretty penny the whole deal was going to end up costing. Ya. REALLY didn't want to think about it.  May I just say that it's never, ever, ever good news when your EOB (explanation of benefits) statements come in a giant manila envelope. When the mail came today, John handed it to me and said, "Um, have we ever gotten THAT kind of envelope from the insurance before? That can't be good!". Well, no, as a matter of fact, we haven't ever gotten that kind of envelope from the insurance.  Usually, we get one or two at a time folded up in a regular envelope. Every now and then 3 or 4 pages will be involved. Today we got FIFTEEN!!! Oh, yes, count them: FIFTEEN!!

Let's just say that it's a really good thing that I can do payroll deduction over as many pay periods as I want because it's going to take a while to pay that all off!!! And to think that we have "good" insurance! Most of what we will have to pay is our deductible and a little more on top of that. I can't imagine having a $5000 deductible or, even worse, having no insurance at all! Wanna know the grand total of 6 hours in the ER for testing and IV fluids? Brace yourself. $3615!!!!! That combined with the $800 hearing test Noah had a couple months ago is gonna hit the pocket book hard! Oh, well.

Now I need to go do yoga or something relaxing so I don't have the heart attack I felt coming on after opening THAT envelope! We can't afford any more hospital bills for a while!

Growing Pains

We've been in our new home for 2 weeks now and fully out of the old house for a week. We all LOVE our new place. Caleb still regularly runs down the hall and exclaims, "I can't believe we get to live here!". It cracks me up, because, although our little duplex was very cramped, it wasn't exactly a dump either! I'm feeling the itch to get everything put away and get to work on decorating my "blank canvas". I have a girlfriend at work who is a self proclaimed "blog stalker" and loves to read design blogs.  She gave me the name of a great blog to start reading and finding inspiration. I'm really excited to get going on all of that and add some of my new-found flair to this place.

On the other hand, I've been feeling the pains of growing and changing. I am SUCH a creature of habit.  Always have been. And probably always will be. I enjoy driving the same streets, same way to get places, and so on. Even though we're not that far from where we used to live, the way I go to work and just about everywhere else is different. I don't like it. Silly, I know, but I don't like it at all.  I find myself thinking a lot about all the memories in our old place and forgetting that we are just getting started on making new memories here. We've got a whole lifetime ahead of us!

I think once I'm able to transition from unpacking to decorating and getting things situated the way I want, some of the growing pains will subside and new memories will start to form!!

It is done!

This day has been a long time coming, but we are finally, 100% out of our old house tonight! John's meeting with our landlady in the morning and then it will be a thing of the past! That home was the small, 2 bedroom, 2 bath with a nice yard and garage that was a great starting place for a young, newlywed college couple. Never did we imagine that almost ten years and 2 children later, we'd still be there. The interesting thing is that for almost all of those years, I was content. It was a cozy, cute place that was just enough for us.  And it financially allowed me to work part time after we started our family. It's only been in the past year, once the second little monkey became very mobile that I started to feel a burning need to get out of there! In thinking back through all the time we lived there, I truly believe the Lord allowed me to be content right where we were. I'm thankful for that.  But, I'm also thankful that we finally moved!!!

As I walked through the house one last time tonight, a lot of emotion cut loose. You may remember my blog on me and change....I don't do well with it. I've managed to keep it together surprisingly well over the past few weeks, but I was struck by a ton of emotion when I left. It was in those walls that my new husband I figured out how to co-habitate without driving each other crazy, survived the end of graduate school for both of us.  It was in those walls that I found out I had passed my licensing exam to become a physical therapist, celebrated my first job at the only place I've ever wanted to work and joined the ranks of the working world.  It was also there that we struggled with the heartbreak of what seemed to be insurmountable infertility and then the joy of conceiving our baby boy.  It was there we brought both our babies home, it was there they both learned to walk and run. A lot happened in that home and I will hold those memories dear.

One of the many times I was bemoaning all the change to my mom, she pointed out to me that although we are leaving behind many memories in our old house, we will form many new memories here in our new home.  Our boys will continue to learn new things, celebrate victories and grow into young men.  It will most likely be to this home that we will bring home our daughters. Life as a family of 6 will have plenty of new memories! And, yes, that is not something I have mentioned here yet and will be the source of many new posts, I'm sure! 

So, for now, we keep working on getting settled and forming new memories here. We still have a lot to do and a lot of adjusting to do, but we are so happy and feeling very blessed!

"Be still and know that I am God"

I have been clinging to that verse the past few weeks. I am beyond weary. My kids have both been very sick, we are in the middle of moving, and there have been some issues at my work that have honestly made me want to quit my job. And we are processing another very significant change in our family (which will be the theme of an entire, newly themed blog sometime soon). Have you ever seen that list of life stresses that rates the major sources of stress and gives them a point value? I haven't looked at it lately, but I'm pretty sure that I'm living several of the highest rated ones right now!

Last week, I had a day at work when I literally had reached the end of my patience with a certain situation and basically came unglued. I spent an hour in my boss' office basically sobbing because my very last button had been pushed and I was done. She had no idea the extent of things that were going on in my world and sat and listened very caringly as I blubbered. Now, you have to understand, my boss is a wonderful woman who is excellent at what she does, but she is not, in the least, a warm-fuzzy person. She has the best poker face you'll ever see which makes it very hard to detect compassion. I just about fell off my chair when I heard this sentence come out of her mouth: "Do you have access to a 3rd party of some sort that you could talk through all of this with? You're dealing with a lot and I think that might be really helpful." It took me a minute and then I finally realized, "wow, she just suggested that I see a shrink!!!" Coming from just anyone, I would have taken deep offense to such a statement, but she said it in such a gentle, caring way that I was floored. We didn't discuss it any further than that, but I did think about it a lot. Right now is definitely not the time in my life to make ANOTHER appointment to deal with ANOTHER office and ANOTHER set of issues. There is certainly a time and place for counseling, and I have actually been to counseling in the past, but I began to feel very convicted that I needed to deepen my walk with my Savior and sink deeply into my faith. Not only to get through a very difficult phase in my life but in all areas, in all times.

I have been on my knees more in the past few days that ever before. I am having to force myself to pause and just BE. Just BE in His presence. It's not easy with a million things going on, but it is absolutely essential. And I hope that when all is said and done, I will have a more meaningful, obvious and deep relationship with the Lord. And, hey, maybe I won't have quit my job and my boys will still have a sane, albeit feistier than usual mama!

Need to vent!!!

So, today was an incredibly frustrating day. Let me recap the last week and see if you can understand the frustration. Caleb woke up Tuesday with a high fever, sore throat, just not feeling good. Under normal circumstances, I don't take my kids to the doctor immediately when they just got sick, but since brother had recently had strep throat, I figured I should take him in to make sure that wasn't it.

Office visit #1  ($15 co-pay): strep test negative, lungs and heart good, just a virus. He'll be better in a couple days. Ok, off we went. I know how to manage sick kids. We're good. Wednesday he's still sick, fever, not eating, sore throat, the whole nine. Thursday afternoon he spikes 105 AGAIN, call doctor, says to bring him in.

Office visit #2 ($15 co-pay + 20% of in-office procedures): Glands are extremely swollen, heart is pounding due to fever, run a couple tests in office and determine it's not mono or meningitis. Lungs sound wet and "gunky", he has walking pneumonia, continue comfort measures and go fill this prescription for a brand new antibiotic that will work great for his lungs. Of course, this is non-formulary and will cost me $60 AFTER insurance paid over 200!!! Don't be concerned unless he gets to day 5 of high fever, he says, we don't worry about it til then but his fever will probably break with this new medication. Ok, I'll get the medicine and continue comfort measures at home. Friday still has high fever then actually seems a bit better in the evening. My mommy gut was convinced the fever would break during the night and he'd be all better.  Saturday morning, much to my shock (my mommy gut has never been wrong, mind you) he's still 103!!! Talk to the on call doctor who says, yes, he needs to be taken to the hospital.

ER visit #1 (don't even want to THINK about the pretty penny this one will cost): Wait 2 hours to get in a room, doctor examines him and asks, "did you know he has a heart murmur?". Me, "Um, no!" Doctor, "well, sometimes we see this when kids are really sick and it should resolve on its own". Ok. She goes on to say that he has the classic presentation of strep throat and mono but his lungs sound good. Chest x-ray is good. He's dehydrated so they run fluids, he pees for the first time in almost 24 hours. Good. Doctor comes back and says he does not have pneumonia, but he could have Valley Fever. Strep and mono tests are negative but they have a fairly high rate of false negatives and clinically it looks like that's what he has. Amoxicillin is the best drug for strep, so discontinue the other antibiotic and go get this filled, she said as I nearly choked! Last thing she says is, "The 7 day mark is when we really get concerned, so if Monday he still has a fever, he'll need to come back for more testing. Oh, and if he stops peeing again for 24 hours he'll need IV fluids again". At this point, I'm thrilled to be getting out of there but almost out of my mind MAD!!! As we are leaving, I see the doctor loading up her bag to leave for the vacation she had mentioned earlier. Nice.

Now for the rant: WHAT THE HECK????? Does he have a heart murmur, does he not? Does he have mono, does he not??? Does he have strep, does he not? Does he need IV fluids, does he not? Do we need to be concerned about 5 days of exposure to high fevers for his nervous system or not? I am incredibly frustrated with the abounding inconsistencies, contradictions, wasted time, wasted money and putting my very sick 6 year old through tests he may not have needed. Need I say that this mama is wanting to scream at someone right now????

Ok, I'm done. I promise. If you made it through my whole rant, I congratulate you for your patience. Oh, and if there is an ER visit #2, there may not be a follow up blog cuz I might have gotten arrested or committed to the looney bin by then!!!

Firing at 60%

That's basically how the immunologist summed up Noah's immune system today which is very good news! Most of his numbers have come up, but there are still some significant "holes" in his immune system. The doctor was very happy to hear our news about Noah having had a 6 week stretch with no illness. Although he had 2 bugs right on top of each other a couple weeks ago, it seems that we are establishing a new pattern and that's exactly what they want to see. He feels very confident, now, that this IS something Noah will outgrow by the time he's school age. THAT was fantastic news. If for some reason, his infections become more frequent again, then we will have to consider a couple other treatment options.  Otherwise, we don't have to go back until November! That would be wonderful.

In the mean time, the doctor said I can relax my germophob, neurotic ways "a little", but still no church or other daycare settings for him.  That was disappointing, but we are committed to doing whatever is best for our little guy. For now, we are hoping and praying that his infections will continue to get further and further apart (or should that be farther??) and that we really won't have to go back to the immunologist until November!

My Mom

There is no way one blog post will ever do my mom justice, but I'm sure going to give it my best shot. I am truly one of the most blessed girls in the world. I have a pretty amazing mom. Sure, she may have a "queen complex", but she has one of the most gentle and wise hearts I know. And, she is brave. Seriously brave. She and my dad followed their hearts calling to the mission field, packed up their young family (which at the time included 7 and 9 year old girls) and literally moved to the other side of the world. Then, my mom was brave enough to have her 3rd and last child in developing country with a very poor, socialized medicine system that just so happened to be on strike when we first moved there.  I love her reaction to people who thought she had lost her mind choosing to have a baby in Uruguay...she said, "Well, you know, women have been having babies here for hundreds of years, so there's no reason why I can't!". That's just her approach on life. She can make the best of just about any situation imaginable. And trust me, there have been MANY less-than-ideal situations she has made the best of.

I was definitely one of those children who tested the limits, flaunted my attitude and spent many a weeks "on restriction" as my mom called it.  Although I certainly thought her tough love was mightily unfair, it always gave me a sense of security, even though I don't even think I realized it at the time.  Her steadfastness and persevering through my years of bad attitude helped shape me to be the woman I am now. The woman who now considers her mother to be one of her closest friends, a confidant, and trusted adviser.  She always knows just what to say and when to say it. And, although she fools most people initially, she is stinkin' funny! She has a sense of humor that shocks many people....and I love it.

Truly, if every girl had the kind of mom I have, this world would be a better place. I know, I'm starting to sound like a bad Mother's Day card, but it's true. Faithful, wise, brave, steadfast, gentle, loving and funny.  That's my mom. And I love her dearly.

My last non-Mother's Day

For some reason this year, I have been thinking back to the last Mother's Day before I became a mom. After my parents moved to Chicago in 2000, Mother's Day was hard because I couldn't be near her. The ache of the distance between us gradually eased, although has never left, but another ache quickly took over. The ache of wanting more than anything in the world to be a mommy and not be able to get pregnant.

In 2003, I sat and cried through the entire Mother's Day service at our church because not only was I not near my own mom, but we had just found out about the giant cyst my body had grown instead of a baby. It felt cruel to have to sit there and suffer. I tried with all my might to focus on anything else, but failed. So, when Mother's day rolled around the next year, I wanted nothing more than to run away...to escape from all the glaring reminders that I was not a mom. That year, we not only far away from my mom, but John's mom was out of town. I begged John to take me somewhere for the weekend or the day. Then, I thought about something I had always wanted to do: go horseback riding in Yosemite so I made us a reservation. That day, we packed a picnic and spent a beautiful day in the mountains and riding horses. It was therapeutic for my soul to be away from the constant reminders of the one thing I couldn't have.

If only I could have known that day that the very next year, we would dedicate our miracle baby, Caleb James to the Lord on Mother's Day when he was just 10 days old. There were only a few more painful cycles to endure. Only a few more months to question whether or not we would ever have a child of our own. Only a few more months to question my faith, to torment myself and continue to dream about my baby...the one I so desperately wanted.

When Mother's day rolls around now, I am simply and truly thankful. Thankful not only for my own mother (I think I feel another blog coming on here!) but for my 2 beautiful boys whom I love dearly, and my husband who made me a mommy. There is part of me, though, that doesn't want to forget the pain of the previous years. The pain of the empty arms and longing heart. There are so many women in the world who suffer through Mother's Day. Not just those who have lost their mothers but those who desire to be a mother but aren't. I promised myself that I would not forget that pain so that I would remember to pray for those dear ones who still struggle through this day. Do you know someone who wants to be a mom but can't? Someone who lost a baby to miscarriage, still birth or something else? Pray for her today. Send her a note. Let her know you care. Believe me, it will mean more than you can imagine.

All over the place

That pretty much sums up how I'm feeling today. My head is literally reeling after dealing with a hubby who has succumbed to the dreaded flu, a six year old who is stir crazy after so many "sick days" and a little guy who started out ok but ended the day with what appears to be a relapse of the flu.

This morning, I took Noah to his 2 month follow up with our GI doctor. I was a bit discouraged after our last visit, because she didn't seem particularly interested in digging any deeper into Noah's plight. His gut symptoms have gotten much better since starting a new probiotic but he still continues to have bouts with bloating, lack of appetite and rash. It still doesn't make a whole lot of sense to me unless there is still something in his diet that could be causing these symptoms. I finally decided to be bold and mention to the doctor that there are several common allergenic foods that are NOT tested in the panel she requested last time. Oddly enough, that seemed to surprise her! She jumped all over that and ordered a bunch of different tests. The problem is that allergy testing can be difficult, even in "normal" kids, but when there is a compromised immune system involved, it can be even more difficult. But, it's a place to start. So, we will see how this round of testing comes out. We may be chasing our tails, but I feel passionately that it's my job as Noah's mama to make sure that I do everything in my power to keep him healthy.

So, aside from all that, I'm still feeling a tad shell-shocked about our "trial by fire" with Noah and his case of strep throat. talk about a terrifying way to find out if the vaccine worked. It will makes me sick to think about what could have happened if it had not worked. All the more reason to give glory to the Lord! Thank you, Jesus, for protecting my baby boy!

And lastly, there is still the whole matter of the MOVE!!!! We've got some serious work to do to get packing and moved. We have the rest of May to get moved but I know the time will slip away so I'm anxious to get started. I can't wait to spread out, settle in and get organized! If only we could skip over the boxes and the stress of moving....

Attitude check

The past four days have been incredibly difficult around here. Not only was I dealing with Noah having an infection that could have turned deadly and John being out of town, but then we got the added bonus of a random stomach bug on top of it. I haven't had more than two consecutive hours of sleep in four nights which is no fun. (Totally unrelated side-note: you all may recall my post about my amazing friend Nichole, but she is dealing with a chronically ill child who is on a very regimented diet that does not allow her to sleep through the night yet. She has basically been on a newborn-esque schedule for almost 2 years, which means SHE has not slept through the night in over two years. Just continues to back up the fact that she ROCKS). Anyway, it's been rough. I'm tired. I don't feel good and I just want my hubby to be home and to get a good nights sleep.

In the past, though, when I have been through rough patches, it has always helped me to think through (or in this case, blog through) what I'm thankful for during that rough season. The past four days have had their bits and pieces of silver lining. First of all, my aunt, whom I have not seen since Noah was a newborn decided to come visit with the original intent of helping me pack and prepare for our move.  Well, with two sick children and an exhausted mama in the house, there wasn't a whole lot of packing that happened. However, she found time to pack a few boxes (and would have happily done more had I been able to access more in our disastrous garage) and scrubbed out my very neglected refrigerator. That alone was plenty but then when Caleb vomited and an entire days worth of food in the car, darn if she didn't trudge out there with a roll of paper towels, a garbage bag and cleaner and clean up 90% of the mess while I tended to my boy!

I also was very thankful for in-laws who live in town and came to whisk Caleb away on Saturday while Noah was puking every 15 minutes. However,  unbeknownst to any of us, he was coming down with the very same bug and exposed them to it! And the cherry-on-top came when I realized that I was going to have to drag the boys out again today because we were about to run out of two essential grocery items and not 10 minutes later came a text from a dear friend, Natalie, telling me she was going to Costco, the grocery store and drug store and wanted to know if I needed anything! How's that for providential.

I should also mention that I am so very thankful for the prayer support of many, many friends and family.  Especially during the hours of being down right scared about Noah's situation, it was truly comforting to know we were covered in prayer and love.  It's always good to reflect on the positive....now I'm just hoping I'll have the opportunity to dream about all the positives while I sleep all night!

Caleb James

He is the boy we didn't know that we'd ever have but desperately wanted. He is the boy we nearly lost before he could be taken out of my womb but was miraculously protected. He is the boy that changed life as we knew it. Caleb James. 6 years later, I still love the sound of his name. There is so much to love about this boy. He is bright, kind, happy, talkative, energetic and feisty. He loves to play with his brother, his Papa, Mama or just about anyone else who he can engage. He loves to do Tae Kwon Do with his Papa. He loves to play with his legos and train tracks. He loves to draw, fingerpaint, make costumes and dress up. He pretty much loves life.

Over the past few years it has been pure joy to watch our boy grow from infant to toddler to preschooler and now to a truly "big boy". This past year has had some very important and life changing events for Caleb. In September, he started kindergarten. He has loved doing his school at home and has learned to read, write, do simple math, and begun to understand a lot about the world around him.  He earned his yellow belt in Tae Kwon Do which made us both beam with pride. He has continued to learn what it means to be a big brother, and while there are frequent clashes, he is often heard saying to Noah, "Come on, bud, lets go play!" There is no doubt, though, that the most precious development in his life this year was his decision to ask Jesus Christ to live in his heart. We have prayed since before he was born that he would have a meaningful, personal relationship with the Lord and it was absolutely precious to witness that happen. 

Caleb, your Papa and I love you more than you could ever imagine and are so proud to be your parents. We are so grateful to get to raise you and help shape you into the Godly young man you were meant to be.  With all my love, Mama.

Being tested

So, I've been sitting on the sofa for quite a while now trying not to listen to both my boys fight going to sleep and come up with some brilliant blog post. But, I'm exhausted, anxious and just royally crabby. Noah is being treated for strep throat and I am feeling a bit overwhelmed. I am trying to rest assured that everything indicates that the vaccine he got has helped him develop some defenses against strep. This will definitely test it out. It's also testing my faith and stretching me in a very uncomfortable way. Not only will we see how his system reacts to this bug, but John is out of town for the next four days. I'm definitely very spoiled in having a husband who rarely travels for more than 2 days at a time and this timing just stinks. So, for now, I pray for my boy, pray for my traveling hubby and pray for some much needed sleep. And, tomorrow, I will hopefully have the brain power and right attitude to write the beautiful piece about my big 6 year old boy I wanted to write today on his birthday!

Good news and an odd sensation

First, of course, the good news. Last week, we took Noah to have blood drawn for what I thought was going to be the same labs he had done a few months ago that led to his diagnosis.  From what I can tell, he did not actually have the same tests done, but the doctor tested him to see if his body has mounted a response to the different strands of strep he got in the vaccination. All the numbers look good (none of them are red-flagged), which I think means the vaccination did the job. The best part about that is that I think that means we no longer have to be as seriously concerned about him contracting strep, which prior to this, could have been deadly. We will get more definitive answers when we go to the doctor in two weeks and hopefully we will get more questions answered. The other good news is that Noah does not need glasses for now. The tech that evaluated him on Tuesday said that he is showing good control of his eyes when prompted to focus, so we will leave him be for now.  I was a little thrown off by seeing the tech and not the doctor as well, so I think I will feel better when we have our next follow up.  As much as I'm a sucker for glasses, I'm relieved to not have that to deal with right now!

So, now for the odd sensation. A few months ago when I was folding and packing away Noah's tiny baby clothes, I felt kinda sad and felt like I was grieving the end of an era. That is not odd for me at all, being that I hate change and all. (If you need a refresher on how I feel about change, see this post.) The odd sensation came into play this past weekend when we were moving some furniture around and put Noah in a booster seat at the table. I really enjoyed seeing four regular chairs at the table rather than three chairs and the clip on high chair thing he was in. I started thinking about how much easier it is getting to have a toddler rather than a baby. While I miss the cuddly, sweet squeaks of an itty bitty one I certainly don't miss the night-time feedings and nap schedules. I enjoy seeing how he engages in activities, imitates his big brother and tries to do things on his own. His little wandering-eye meltdowns are even cute! I've especially been treasuring having a HEALTHY toddler. I am looking forward to all that is to come with this little guy and the joys having two  little boys, even though it means lots of change!

Another diagnosis and specialist

Today I did something that felt very odd. I toted Noah off to my office to have him evaluated by an audiologist.  Filling out the paperwork as a parent and sitting in the waiting room was weird. And honestly, I didn't like it. Don't know why, but it just felt wrong.  You may remember that at the appointment we had with an allergist the day Noah was diagnosed, he raised some concern about his speech and hearing. He insisted that I "should KNOW how delayed his speech is (because I'm a pediatric PT, apparently) and that his hearing should definitely be checked. I wasn't happy overall with this doctor, so it was easy for me to blow off his comments about how delayed his speech is but I did actually agree that we should have his hearing checked because he's had so many ear infections. Yes, I know, I have a tendency to filter stuff out, blow things off all together or simply not hear what I don't want to hear sometimes, especially when it comes to my child.  Not good, but sometimes it's my defense mechanism. Anyway, we were able to get an appointment very quickly (no, not because I pulled any strings, but just because I so happened to be standing next to the scheduler when the cancellation list popped up).

The end result of the appointment was another good news/not so great news scenario: very good news is that Noah does NOT have any permanent hearing loss from all the infections. Not so great news is that he should have a 20 word vocabulary and be putting 2 words together on a regular basis. (Which, incidentally is VERY different than the check list my pediatrician had and hence the cause of his chagrin to refer us for the test). He has 5 words and rarely strings two together. The only actual phrase he has is "hi papa"! The audiologist had one of the speechies come in and give me some suggestions of things to start working on with him but she also strongly recommended that we have him evaluated thoroughly ASAP. Right now, he does not have any fluid in his ears, so he's hearing perfectly and thus we should be working with him on making sounds now.  Apparently when you have chronic ear infections,  you go through periods of time where everything sounds like you have your fingers in your ears or are underwater. Which is why Noah's speech has not developed properly. He makes all kinds of noises with different intonations but doesn't actually form many words.  It was very comforting to know that his delay is isolated to only his expressive speech. His receptive speech and ability to communicate his needs and wants are excellent. He's a sharp boy....he just hasn't figured out how to say many words yet.

For some reason, I'm having a hard time dealing with the fact that there is now another thing "wrong" with my baby boy. We are now up to 5 specialists dealing with 5 different diagnoses. While only one of them is potentially life-threatening, it's discouraging to have such a long list at such a tender, young age. I know that I shouldn't complain about having to put so much effort into parenting (that's my JOB and my JOY) but some days are harder than others. It certainly doesn't help that Noah has had a very rough week again and we are going on four nights of little sleep as we deal with his tummy pain again. Tired Julie is never the most optimistic or equipped to cope with more bad news. That's probably true of us all, though, I would imagine!

So, there are my ramblings for the day. Once again, I am deeply grateful for a Heavenly Father who loves me and my children more than I will ever know and who has already put all the pieces of this puzzle together for me!

Beautiful month

Update (Sunday): I started writing this post last night when all was well. Noah is spiraling down-hill into one of his gut infections this afternoon which is soooooo disappointing, but I wanted to share my thoughts and my gratitude for the past month anyway.

The past month has been wonderfully beautiful for us. We've had almost our entire family come to visit at some point over the past few weeks, there have only been scheduled doctor visits (ie, no sick people), and we've been able to purchase some much needed new furniture in hopes of moving in the next month or so. The best part about the past month, though, is that Noah has been WELL. I've had to sit and let that sink in a bit.....he's been WELL. Although keeping him well has involved some difficult choices, it has been well worth it to see a thriving, happy boy.

Our month of visitor started with my parents being here. I wrote a post about how therapeutic is was to have them here. My mom and I had lots of girl time, we got to go look at the house and start planning some new stuff we wanted there, we took a day trip up to Pine Flat dam which was beautiful and had lots and lots of time for playing and just being. The day before my parents left, John's sister and niece came for 5 days. Unfortunately, it was the coldest, ickiest 5 days of our spring so far, but we managed to have fun anyway. We tried out a raw food restaurant (my sis-in-law is vegan), played at the park and took the kids to Bounce U when it was really cold and rainy.

A few days after they were here, my sister and her kiddos came in. The cousins had so much fun playing with each other and my sister and I got to catch up after far to long of not seeing each other.  The highlight of that visit was taking the kids to the beach. Sophia and Wesley had never been to the ocean before, so it was a very exciting trip for them. Quite precious.

This wasn't the best picture of all their faces, but I love the sunset light. The same day that Janine and the kids left, John's brother, sister-in-law and niece arrived for the final family visit. They were here three days and we didn't get to spend as much time with them as we would have liked.  John's brother got sick and our boys were pretty well out of whack by the time the fourth week of visitors rolled around. We enjoyed seeing them, though, and the boys enjoyed having another cousin to play with!

The whole month visitors, special trips and fun things to do was sweetened all the more by the fact that Noah was well. The entire time. I'm very much looking forward to having his labs repeated this week to see if we can tell what made the most difference. But, for now, we're definitely going to keep doing what we're doing!

Another update: Noah was sick on Sunday (yesterday) but seems to be almost back to his normal self today. I think he may have just had a run-of-the-mill bug since John was also not feeling well. That's actually very encouraging in our world!