It's been almost 6 months since I wrote on this blog and my life is completely different today than when I last wrote on here. It's mother's day again and I have written several posts about my past mother's day experiences. I have had a full range of emotions when it comes to mother's day in the past 11 years ranging from it being hard to not be near my own mom to celebrate, to the heartache of the last mother's day before I was finally able to conceive and carry and baby to term, and then the sweetest of all, Mother's Day 2005 when my family and I stood in front of our whole church with many friends and family there to dedicate our precious Caleb James to the Lord.
But this mother's day is so completely out of the realm of anything I ever thought possible in my life. It is my first mother's day as a single mom. Yes, you read that right, a single mom. Almost 6 months ago, I began one of the most excruciatingly painful journeys of my life when my husband left our family. There are a handful of people on Facebook and other social media outlets that are aware that this happened, but for the most part, I've been silent about it online. And, until now, I needed to be. I have run a full range of emotion over the past 6 months and have been deeply grieving. But in the midst of my grief, I have come through a life-altering transformation of my relationship with my Lord and Savior. He has shown me that He, and He alone is the One I need. The One who gives me the strength every.single.day to raise my boys mostly on my own. Had you told me a year ago, or even 6 months ago, that I would be a single mom and in many ways thriving and doing better than I ever have, I would have laughed in your face. I would have told you, "Oh, I would DIE. There's NO WAY I could be a single mom. Nope. Couldn't do it.". Well, guess what? I didn't die. And I am doing it.
Many of my friends and dear co-workers, as they slowly found out what was going on in my world, have asked me, "How are you doing this? Your world got totally rocked and you're more peaceful than ever." The answer I give without a doubt, every single time I've been asked is simple: by the grace and mercy of my Savior. There is simply no other way I'd be doing this. That grace and mercy has included an AMAZING network of support around me. People who have done everything from send me encouragement cards, boxes of handwritten notes and goodies, helped me with childcare, brought us dinner or invited us over for dinner, playdates, prayers, texts of encouragement, taking care of my yard so I don't have to worry about it....and I could literally go on and on.
So, why now? Because I have loved blogging. I have enjoyed sharing the highs and lows of my journey as a mom to two precious little boys. Writing is therapeutic for me and I quickly found that many of my struggles were similar to others and we have been able to be mutually encouraging. And, to be completely honest, it's taken me until now to realize there is NO shame in being a single mom. While I will not share the details of our separation and beginning stages of divorce out of respect to the man who will always be the father of my children, this was NOT my choice. I am at a point of absolute peace knowing that I have done everything possible to facilitate reconciliation and it simply has not happened. And so, I find myself at the beginning of a new journey. I want to share it to continue to document the joys and sorrows of being a mama to my boys. I don't want to share it to get a flood of comments full of pity and sorrow. This is who I am now. This is my journey. I can't say that I'm totally ok with it yet, but I am getting closer every day. And I truly believe that the best is yet to come for me and my boys. I have no idea what that will look like yet, but I believe with my whole heart it is true.
I plan to continue to share the funny stories and adventures that come along with being a mom to my boys and some of the challenges too. It's just that my perspective has radically changed. But, at the end of the day, I'm still just a feisty redhead raising boys. I hope you'll continue to follow along on that journey.
