Heavy heart

This blog has ended up feeling somewhat like a journal to me and so on a day like today, I feel the desire to sit down and share a bit of my heart. It's heavy today. The past few weeks have felt like a roller coaster: some pretty exciting and fun highs, but some pretty heavy and sad lows. Today is one of the heavy ones.

Less than two weeks ago, my friend and co-worker, Janice, lost her husband completely unexpectedly in a horrific car crash. Robb was a perfectly healthy, 59 year old father of two young adult children, physician and husband of a pretty amazing woman. Today is his memorial service. I have always considered myself so blessed to have a job where many of us are friends outside of work as well and celebrate baby showers, new houses, girls nights, cooking clubs, you know, all the fun things. But along with the joys of life come the losses and today we will gather and mourn a loss and help carry a friend through a very, very dark valley.

Yesterday I had the privilege of having some heart to heart time on the phone with one of my girlfriends who is in the midst of processing the potential of a life-altering diagnosis for one of her children. Heavy, heavy heart.  I have done this many times before with parents of patients, who really become friends, but there's something that really gets me when it's one of my dearest friends who is somewhat suddenly faced with this scary diagnosis. Yet again, though, I am beyond blessed to have a friend with whom I celebrated many childhood milestones, our marriages and our babies and now we are both wrestling with difficult health issues with our children. The Lord's timing has always been fascinating to me and I really look forward to finding the blessing in all of this for both of us.

That brings me to the last piece of my heavy heart....my Noah. It appears that our now 13 day stretch of health may be coming to an end. He woke up with his tell-tale rash and had more meltdowns in 2 hours of being awake than I've seen in a long time. He just doesn't feel good. And it makes me mad. I don't know what to do for him. I'm hoping that he's just having an "off" day but these days always seem to lead down that road of not knowing what's coming next. When I'm angry, I have to cling to the promise that my Savior loves my babies more than I can comprehend and that I am asked to trust him. Plain trust.
 

Waiting

Over the past few months, I have had a very heavy heart about my little guy, Noah's, health. He has been plagued by chronic GI infections as well as 5 cases of tonsillitis in his tender 17 months of life. He goes through phases where we literally wakes up at night screaming and writhing in pain, and pulls his knees up to his chest because it hurts to straighten his legs. Although he has stayed on his growth curve and is thriving from a developmental stand point, my mommy gut is telling me that we are missing something. Hopefully nothing serious. But something is off. And, I might add, my mommy gut has never been wrong. Our pediatrician sent us to a GI specialist who has some theories that are being tested out. She subsequently referred us to an immunologist to rule out an underlying immune system deficiency and had us start him on one new medication and a new supplement in the mean time. So far all we know is that he is mildly allergic to six foods, 3 of which he eats every day. Some of his basic blood work came back abnormal as well but I don't know what all that means yet. Next week we see the immunologist and hopefully will be told there's nothing serious going on! We currently are on day 11 of no symptoms. We are rapidly approaching the longest stretch of time he's been healthy since he was a newborn. Now we wait. For answers. For a solution. To learn whatever it will take to keep our baby healthy. We wait.

We are also in the (very exciting) process of finding out if we are going to get to move into what is very close to our dream home! We've been in a very small place since we first got married and now that we have 2 boys we really need want more space. I've decided I shouldn't be saying we NEED more space because, in all reality, we don't NEED anything. But, I digress. Things are rolling but there is a lot of waiting involved in this process as well. But as exciting as the prospect is, we wait.

Those of you who know me even a little bit know that patience is really not one of my virtues. I am having to truly learn what it means to "be still and know that I am God". Ever fiber of my human being wants to know NOW what is wrong with my baby and wants to know NOW that we are going to move and when and how and on and on it goes!!! But, my heart reminds me to again be still. And rest assured that the Lord has the plan all figured out already and He's going to reveal it to us as we need to know it. Even though we WANT to know it now.....we'll know when we NEED to! After we wait.

A breath of fresh air

Today was the kind of day I have been needing. Badly. The past few weeks have been rough, and that's putting it nicely. We went straight from the holidays into several weeks of illness, injury and all sorts of other stuff. Don't get me wrong, there have been some pretty amazing blessings mixed in there, but the overall tone has been illness and fatigue. We've been dealing with a chronically ill child mixed in with the normal highs and lows of raising a family which has just left us tired. Really tired. 

Today has been different. My Bible Study started up today for the spring semester and it was really great to be back at a table with some really lovely ladies. After Bible Study, we took Noah to a specialist appointment.  Probably seems odd that something like a doctor appointment would fit into a "highlight" sort of day, but we have been waiting and praying for so long that we would begin to get some answers for the infections that have been plaguing our little boy. This was a huge step in the direction of getting some answers. 

The true highlights of today, though, came at home this afternoon. Today is the first sunny day we've had in what feels like weeks. We had been out and about until early afternoon so we definitely needed to spend the afternoon at home.  While the boys napped, I soaked up some sun while processing the doctor appointment info with a very special friend of mine who has a chronically ill child as well. I got to just sit and be for a while. After the boys got up, I got them in their play clothes and sent them outside to play. This is when my heart started to melt. Noah just adores his big brother and as much as they aggravate each other at times, they have so much fun together.  It was the first time they had been out in the yard together in months. Watching my little boys run around and play just did something really amazing for my soul.  You see, I've had so many days of struggling through mothering these boys recently that I really needed to have a moment like this. It's sad to admit, but I have not enjoyed my children the way I should.  I've been too caught up in my own struggles to stop and enjoy my children. It makes me sad to think about. But, I think that's why I enjoyed them so much today. At one point, Caleb was standing in front of me showing me something and Noah came trotting over to see what we were doing. He stood right up next to his brother and they were both just grinning at me. That image is frozen in my mind. My two beautiful boys standing there just smiling at me. Does it get any better than that?

Today was a good day. A normal day. One that I've been needing. I was able to enjoy my precious boys. And it all just felt like a breath of fresh air.

The end of one journey and beginning of an even bigger one.

So, here is the happy ending to the story of my quest to becoming a mother. The late spring and summer of '04 were a time of celebrating major family events and trying to get back to having a normal relationship with my husband. While I had put away the cycle mapping calendar and was no longer on any fertility drugs, it was hard to put the whole notion of getting pregnant out of my mind. I decided I needed to focus my energy on something constructive: I started researching different foster care and adoption options. John and I had each had a desire to eventually adopt a child before we even met but we both thought we'd have at least one of our own first. Maybe this was the route we were supposed to go first, I thought. So, I began the early stages of gathering information.

My baby brother graduated from high school that June and as a graduation present, my parents bought him a plane ticket to come visit us in California. He came in July and we had a blast. It was so fun to have him here...we went to Universal Studios, he and John went camping in Yosemite and he and I got to have quite a bit of brother-sister time. The only major bummer was that one of the last days he was here was, what turned out to be, the last time I'd ever be devastated over not being pregnant. Even though we weren't officially trying, that month was particularly painful and difficult. My poor brother just wasn't quite sure what to do with me, but having him around really cheered me up.

Fast forward a few weeks and John and I were planning a camping trip to our favorite remote spot up near Yosemite for Labor Day weekend. The whole week before, though, I was feeling miserable. I was almost two weeks late at that point, but after the whole giant cyst fiasco, I just refused to start taking tests and getting my hopes up anymore. This time was different, though. John knew it and I knew it. Friday night, as we laid on the couch, John was practically begging me to take a test. His theory was that if the test was negative, I could at least take some drugs (just Tylenol or Advil, of course, all though by this point pot was beginning to sound awfully good to me!!!) OR if we were actually pregnant, I'd be so thrilled that I'd be in a much better mood. I refused. Nope, not gonna do it. The next morning, I decided that I was just not feeling up to camping. John agreed that we didn't have to go, but he was insistent that I take a test. Fine, I said!!! I'll take the test but I'm NOT going to look at it. Ok, just pee on the d**m stick, he begged. So, off I went, peed on the stick and went and laid flat on my face on our bed. A couple minutes later, I heard him go in the bathroom then nothing. I fully expected to hear him open the garbage can and toss it in. Nothing. So, I looked up and he walked out of the bathroom. He had this grin on his face I had only seen once before: the first time he saw me in my wedding dress on our wedding day. I immediately starting jumping up and down on the bed, screaming hysterically!!!! I don't even remember if he said the word "positive" or what he said...his face said it all. I literally screamed til my throat hurt and I was completely out of breath. It felt surreal. All of a sudden, I thought, no way...it must be wrong. I need to take another one. Off we went to WalMart and bought the most ridiculous assortment of pregnancy test...store brand, national brand, lined tests, digital tests....you name it, we got one! We went home and took about a dozen more. Positive, positive, positive, and, oh, yes, positive!!!! By this time it was afternoon and we decided that we were going to skip going to the mountains so we could be in cell range to call all the people we wanted to share our joy with.

I had dreamt of this day for so long. We were pregnant....there was a teeny, tiny baby growing inside of me. Instead of the immediate onslaught of worrisome thoughts I would have expected from my brain, I had a complete sense of peace come over me that day. We were going to get to meet this baby. I had no idea the unbelievable amount of nausea, vomiting, swelling and other lovely things growing this baby would involve, but it just didn't matter...we were finally having a baby!

I could hardly contain myself telling my parent they were going to become grandparents for the first time. My sister was thrilled. My brother was so happy that I was not blubbering through tears of pain and disappointment this time. We were suddenly living in a state of total elation. Even the next week when we went to see the doctor, I still felt like I was on cloud 9. Seeing my doctor's reaction when he walked in his office and saw all the "new OB patient" paperwork on my chart was priceless. He was so happy for us. He teased me when I told him how many tests we took and said, "Let me save you some money next time....if one is positive, they're all going to be positive." I didn't care! I knew I had peed on a ridiculous amount of money, but it just didn't matter!

39 weeks after our miracle baby was conceived, our little boy, Caleb James Nidever made a very dramatic entry into the world. It was not even remotely close to the all natural child birth we had expected to have, but after an abrupted placenta and a crash c-section that looked like a scene from "ER", all that mattered was that both he and I survived and were healthy. Caleb James. Our miracle boy. The beginning of my life as a feisty red-headed mom of boys.

Glamor

I think any of my mom friends would agree that there is very little about being a mother that is glamorous! I would add that if you have boys, there are even fewer glimpses of glamor! I've been home with a sick baby today and decided to tweak my blog a bit and add a couple tickers. As I'm sitting here adding these little things, pondering which layouts and colors to chose, I look down at myself and realize that the front of my black t-shirt is smeared with snot and banana and my gray sweatpants have a collection of who knows what all else! I had to laugh so I wouldn't cry. Then I sat in amazement as my 16 month old attempted to build a tower taller than himself with Duplos. As much as I find myself complaining at times, I would not trade my job/heart's desire/privilege of raising these two little ones with an amazing man for anything money could buy!

Feeding my babies

I will never forget one of the first times I sat feeding Caleb late one night, feeling sorry for myself that my baby was STILL not sleeping through the night, poor me, boo-hoo, the whole bit. I had this moment of utter conviction when this little voice in my head said, "Julie, you know how many mommy's there are in the world at this very moment that would give anything to have a healthy breast or clean bottle to offer her baby?" Ouch. But, you know what, that voice was absolutely right and gave me a much healthier attitude about feeding my baby in the middle of the night.

The conviction deepened this morning as I found myself frustrated that Noah wasn't interested in any of the options I was giving him for breakfast but I really didn't want to put him in the car for a long drive with an empty tummy. Again, I was whining to myself and then settled on feeding him some yogurt (his favorite). This time, I was reminded of 2 mommies I know: a dear friend of mine who literally cannot feed her little girl (who is the exact same age as Noah) because she has a very serious and poorly understood disease that makes her allergic to ALL forms of protein. She gets violently ill if she eats 99% of food. Her mama would give just about anything to just pull ordinary food out of the fridge and feed it to her. Then I thought of a former patient of mine who had severe allergies to several different foods and had nearly died of anaphylaxis three times in his first two years of life. Another mama who would love to be able to feed her little one on the fly and not have to worry.

I can't imagine not being able to feed my boys. I can't imagine not knowing if he had put something in his mouth that could cause a serious reaction or worse. I can't imagine not having had adequate nutrition to nurse my boys or clean water and safe formula to bottle feed them. I'll be honest, I'm glad I don't have to know exactly what that feels like. I think the point that keeps hitting home is that it is a privilege to be able to feed my boys. Period. Thank you, Lord.

I don't know about you, but those were deep thoughts to begin this next year! Here's to healthy children and good attitudes in 2011!