I have been clinging to that verse the past few weeks. I am beyond weary. My kids have both been very sick, we are in the middle of moving, and there have been some issues at my work that have honestly made me want to quit my job. And we are processing another very significant change in our family (which will be the theme of an entire, newly themed blog sometime soon). Have you ever seen that list of life stresses that rates the major sources of stress and gives them a point value? I haven't looked at it lately, but I'm pretty sure that I'm living several of the highest rated ones right now!
Last week, I had a day at work when I literally had reached the end of my patience with a certain situation and basically came unglued. I spent an hour in my boss' office basically sobbing because my very last button had been pushed and I was done. She had no idea the extent of things that were going on in my world and sat and listened very caringly as I blubbered. Now, you have to understand, my boss is a wonderful woman who is excellent at what she does, but she is not, in the least, a warm-fuzzy person. She has the best poker face you'll ever see which makes it very hard to detect compassion. I just about fell off my chair when I heard this sentence come out of her mouth: "Do you have access to a 3rd party of some sort that you could talk through all of this with? You're dealing with a lot and I think that might be really helpful." It took me a minute and then I finally realized, "wow, she just suggested that I see a shrink!!!" Coming from just anyone, I would have taken deep offense to such a statement, but she said it in such a gentle, caring way that I was floored. We didn't discuss it any further than that, but I did think about it a lot. Right now is definitely not the time in my life to make ANOTHER appointment to deal with ANOTHER office and ANOTHER set of issues. There is certainly a time and place for counseling, and I have actually been to counseling in the past, but I began to feel very convicted that I needed to deepen my walk with my Savior and sink deeply into my faith. Not only to get through a very difficult phase in my life but in all areas, in all times.
I have been on my knees more in the past few days that ever before. I am having to force myself to pause and just BE. Just BE in His presence. It's not easy with a million things going on, but it is absolutely essential. And I hope that when all is said and done, I will have a more meaningful, obvious and deep relationship with the Lord. And, hey, maybe I won't have quit my job and my boys will still have a sane, albeit feistier than usual mama!
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Saturday, May 14, 2011
Need to vent!!!
So, today was an incredibly frustrating day. Let me recap the last week and see if you can understand the frustration. Caleb woke up Tuesday with a high fever, sore throat, just not feeling good. Under normal circumstances, I don't take my kids to the doctor immediately when they just got sick, but since brother had recently had strep throat, I figured I should take him in to make sure that wasn't it.
Office visit #1 ($15 co-pay): strep test negative, lungs and heart good, just a virus. He'll be better in a couple days. Ok, off we went. I know how to manage sick kids. We're good. Wednesday he's still sick, fever, not eating, sore throat, the whole nine. Thursday afternoon he spikes 105 AGAIN, call doctor, says to bring him in.
Office visit #2 ($15 co-pay + 20% of in-office procedures): Glands are extremely swollen, heart is pounding due to fever, run a couple tests in office and determine it's not mono or meningitis. Lungs sound wet and "gunky", he has walking pneumonia, continue comfort measures and go fill this prescription for a brand new antibiotic that will work great for his lungs. Of course, this is non-formulary and will cost me $60 AFTER insurance paid over 200!!! Don't be concerned unless he gets to day 5 of high fever, he says, we don't worry about it til then but his fever will probably break with this new medication. Ok, I'll get the medicine and continue comfort measures at home. Friday still has high fever then actually seems a bit better in the evening. My mommy gut was convinced the fever would break during the night and he'd be all better. Saturday morning, much to my shock (my mommy gut has never been wrong, mind you) he's still 103!!! Talk to the on call doctor who says, yes, he needs to be taken to the hospital.
ER visit #1 (don't even want to THINK about the pretty penny this one will cost): Wait 2 hours to get in a room, doctor examines him and asks, "did you know he has a heart murmur?". Me, "Um, no!" Doctor, "well, sometimes we see this when kids are really sick and it should resolve on its own". Ok. She goes on to say that he has the classic presentation of strep throat and mono but his lungs sound good. Chest x-ray is good. He's dehydrated so they run fluids, he pees for the first time in almost 24 hours. Good. Doctor comes back and says he does not have pneumonia, but he could have Valley Fever. Strep and mono tests are negative but they have a fairly high rate of false negatives and clinically it looks like that's what he has. Amoxicillin is the best drug for strep, so discontinue the other antibiotic and go get this filled, she said as I nearly choked! Last thing she says is, "The 7 day mark is when we really get concerned, so if Monday he still has a fever, he'll need to come back for more testing. Oh, and if he stops peeing again for 24 hours he'll need IV fluids again". At this point, I'm thrilled to be getting out of there but almost out of my mind MAD!!! As we are leaving, I see the doctor loading up her bag to leave for the vacation she had mentioned earlier. Nice.
Now for the rant: WHAT THE HECK????? Does he have a heart murmur, does he not? Does he have mono, does he not??? Does he have strep, does he not? Does he need IV fluids, does he not? Do we need to be concerned about 5 days of exposure to high fevers for his nervous system or not? I am incredibly frustrated with the abounding inconsistencies, contradictions, wasted time, wasted money and putting my very sick 6 year old through tests he may not have needed. Need I say that this mama is wanting to scream at someone right now????
Ok, I'm done. I promise. If you made it through my whole rant, I congratulate you for your patience. Oh, and if there is an ER visit #2, there may not be a follow up blog cuz I might have gotten arrested or committed to the looney bin by then!!!
Office visit #1 ($15 co-pay): strep test negative, lungs and heart good, just a virus. He'll be better in a couple days. Ok, off we went. I know how to manage sick kids. We're good. Wednesday he's still sick, fever, not eating, sore throat, the whole nine. Thursday afternoon he spikes 105 AGAIN, call doctor, says to bring him in.
Office visit #2 ($15 co-pay + 20% of in-office procedures): Glands are extremely swollen, heart is pounding due to fever, run a couple tests in office and determine it's not mono or meningitis. Lungs sound wet and "gunky", he has walking pneumonia, continue comfort measures and go fill this prescription for a brand new antibiotic that will work great for his lungs. Of course, this is non-formulary and will cost me $60 AFTER insurance paid over 200!!! Don't be concerned unless he gets to day 5 of high fever, he says, we don't worry about it til then but his fever will probably break with this new medication. Ok, I'll get the medicine and continue comfort measures at home. Friday still has high fever then actually seems a bit better in the evening. My mommy gut was convinced the fever would break during the night and he'd be all better. Saturday morning, much to my shock (my mommy gut has never been wrong, mind you) he's still 103!!! Talk to the on call doctor who says, yes, he needs to be taken to the hospital.
ER visit #1 (don't even want to THINK about the pretty penny this one will cost): Wait 2 hours to get in a room, doctor examines him and asks, "did you know he has a heart murmur?". Me, "Um, no!" Doctor, "well, sometimes we see this when kids are really sick and it should resolve on its own". Ok. She goes on to say that he has the classic presentation of strep throat and mono but his lungs sound good. Chest x-ray is good. He's dehydrated so they run fluids, he pees for the first time in almost 24 hours. Good. Doctor comes back and says he does not have pneumonia, but he could have Valley Fever. Strep and mono tests are negative but they have a fairly high rate of false negatives and clinically it looks like that's what he has. Amoxicillin is the best drug for strep, so discontinue the other antibiotic and go get this filled, she said as I nearly choked! Last thing she says is, "The 7 day mark is when we really get concerned, so if Monday he still has a fever, he'll need to come back for more testing. Oh, and if he stops peeing again for 24 hours he'll need IV fluids again". At this point, I'm thrilled to be getting out of there but almost out of my mind MAD!!! As we are leaving, I see the doctor loading up her bag to leave for the vacation she had mentioned earlier. Nice.
Now for the rant: WHAT THE HECK????? Does he have a heart murmur, does he not? Does he have mono, does he not??? Does he have strep, does he not? Does he need IV fluids, does he not? Do we need to be concerned about 5 days of exposure to high fevers for his nervous system or not? I am incredibly frustrated with the abounding inconsistencies, contradictions, wasted time, wasted money and putting my very sick 6 year old through tests he may not have needed. Need I say that this mama is wanting to scream at someone right now????
Ok, I'm done. I promise. If you made it through my whole rant, I congratulate you for your patience. Oh, and if there is an ER visit #2, there may not be a follow up blog cuz I might have gotten arrested or committed to the looney bin by then!!!
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Firing at 60%
That's basically how the immunologist summed up Noah's immune system today which is very good news! Most of his numbers have come up, but there are still some significant "holes" in his immune system. The doctor was very happy to hear our news about Noah having had a 6 week stretch with no illness. Although he had 2 bugs right on top of each other a couple weeks ago, it seems that we are establishing a new pattern and that's exactly what they want to see. He feels very confident, now, that this IS something Noah will outgrow by the time he's school age. THAT was fantastic news. If for some reason, his infections become more frequent again, then we will have to consider a couple other treatment options. Otherwise, we don't have to go back until November! That would be wonderful.
In the mean time, the doctor said I can relax my germophob, neurotic ways "a little", but still no church or other daycare settings for him. That was disappointing, but we are committed to doing whatever is best for our little guy. For now, we are hoping and praying that his infections will continue to get further and further apart (or should that be farther??) and that we really won't have to go back to the immunologist until November!
In the mean time, the doctor said I can relax my germophob, neurotic ways "a little", but still no church or other daycare settings for him. That was disappointing, but we are committed to doing whatever is best for our little guy. For now, we are hoping and praying that his infections will continue to get further and further apart (or should that be farther??) and that we really won't have to go back to the immunologist until November!
Sunday, May 8, 2011
My Mom
There is no way one blog post will ever do my mom justice, but I'm sure going to give it my best shot. I am truly one of the most blessed girls in the world. I have a pretty amazing mom. Sure, she may have a "queen complex", but she has one of the most gentle and wise hearts I know. And, she is brave. Seriously brave. She and my dad followed their hearts calling to the mission field, packed up their young family (which at the time included 7 and 9 year old girls) and literally moved to the other side of the world. Then, my mom was brave enough to have her 3rd and last child in developing country with a very poor, socialized medicine system that just so happened to be on strike when we first moved there. I love her reaction to people who thought she had lost her mind choosing to have a baby in Uruguay...she said, "Well, you know, women have been having babies here for hundreds of years, so there's no reason why I can't!". That's just her approach on life. She can make the best of just about any situation imaginable. And trust me, there have been MANY less-than-ideal situations she has made the best of.
I was definitely one of those children who tested the limits, flaunted my attitude and spent many a weeks "on restriction" as my mom called it. Although I certainly thought her tough love was mightily unfair, it always gave me a sense of security, even though I don't even think I realized it at the time. Her steadfastness and persevering through my years of bad attitude helped shape me to be the woman I am now. The woman who now considers her mother to be one of her closest friends, a confidant, and trusted adviser. She always knows just what to say and when to say it. And, although she fools most people initially, she is stinkin' funny! She has a sense of humor that shocks many people....and I love it.
Truly, if every girl had the kind of mom I have, this world would be a better place. I know, I'm starting to sound like a bad Mother's Day card, but it's true. Faithful, wise, brave, steadfast, gentle, loving and funny. That's my mom. And I love her dearly.
I was definitely one of those children who tested the limits, flaunted my attitude and spent many a weeks "on restriction" as my mom called it. Although I certainly thought her tough love was mightily unfair, it always gave me a sense of security, even though I don't even think I realized it at the time. Her steadfastness and persevering through my years of bad attitude helped shape me to be the woman I am now. The woman who now considers her mother to be one of her closest friends, a confidant, and trusted adviser. She always knows just what to say and when to say it. And, although she fools most people initially, she is stinkin' funny! She has a sense of humor that shocks many people....and I love it.
Truly, if every girl had the kind of mom I have, this world would be a better place. I know, I'm starting to sound like a bad Mother's Day card, but it's true. Faithful, wise, brave, steadfast, gentle, loving and funny. That's my mom. And I love her dearly.
Saturday, May 7, 2011
My last non-Mother's Day
For some reason this year, I have been thinking back to the last Mother's Day before I became a mom. After my parents moved to Chicago in 2000, Mother's Day was hard because I couldn't be near her. The ache of the distance between us gradually eased, although has never left, but another ache quickly took over. The ache of wanting more than anything in the world to be a mommy and not be able to get pregnant.
In 2003, I sat and cried through the entire Mother's Day service at our church because not only was I not near my own mom, but we had just found out about the giant cyst my body had grown instead of a baby. It felt cruel to have to sit there and suffer. I tried with all my might to focus on anything else, but failed. So, when Mother's day rolled around the next year, I wanted nothing more than to run away...to escape from all the glaring reminders that I was not a mom. That year, we not only far away from my mom, but John's mom was out of town. I begged John to take me somewhere for the weekend or the day. Then, I thought about something I had always wanted to do: go horseback riding in Yosemite so I made us a reservation. That day, we packed a picnic and spent a beautiful day in the mountains and riding horses. It was therapeutic for my soul to be away from the constant reminders of the one thing I couldn't have.
If only I could have known that day that the very next year, we would dedicate our miracle baby, Caleb James to the Lord on Mother's Day when he was just 10 days old. There were only a few more painful cycles to endure. Only a few more months to question whether or not we would ever have a child of our own. Only a few more months to question my faith, to torment myself and continue to dream about my baby...the one I so desperately wanted.
When Mother's day rolls around now, I am simply and truly thankful. Thankful not only for my own mother (I think I feel another blog coming on here!) but for my 2 beautiful boys whom I love dearly, and my husband who made me a mommy. There is part of me, though, that doesn't want to forget the pain of the previous years. The pain of the empty arms and longing heart. There are so many women in the world who suffer through Mother's Day. Not just those who have lost their mothers but those who desire to be a mother but aren't. I promised myself that I would not forget that pain so that I would remember to pray for those dear ones who still struggle through this day. Do you know someone who wants to be a mom but can't? Someone who lost a baby to miscarriage, still birth or something else? Pray for her today. Send her a note. Let her know you care. Believe me, it will mean more than you can imagine.
In 2003, I sat and cried through the entire Mother's Day service at our church because not only was I not near my own mom, but we had just found out about the giant cyst my body had grown instead of a baby. It felt cruel to have to sit there and suffer. I tried with all my might to focus on anything else, but failed. So, when Mother's day rolled around the next year, I wanted nothing more than to run away...to escape from all the glaring reminders that I was not a mom. That year, we not only far away from my mom, but John's mom was out of town. I begged John to take me somewhere for the weekend or the day. Then, I thought about something I had always wanted to do: go horseback riding in Yosemite so I made us a reservation. That day, we packed a picnic and spent a beautiful day in the mountains and riding horses. It was therapeutic for my soul to be away from the constant reminders of the one thing I couldn't have.
If only I could have known that day that the very next year, we would dedicate our miracle baby, Caleb James to the Lord on Mother's Day when he was just 10 days old. There were only a few more painful cycles to endure. Only a few more months to question whether or not we would ever have a child of our own. Only a few more months to question my faith, to torment myself and continue to dream about my baby...the one I so desperately wanted.
When Mother's day rolls around now, I am simply and truly thankful. Thankful not only for my own mother (I think I feel another blog coming on here!) but for my 2 beautiful boys whom I love dearly, and my husband who made me a mommy. There is part of me, though, that doesn't want to forget the pain of the previous years. The pain of the empty arms and longing heart. There are so many women in the world who suffer through Mother's Day. Not just those who have lost their mothers but those who desire to be a mother but aren't. I promised myself that I would not forget that pain so that I would remember to pray for those dear ones who still struggle through this day. Do you know someone who wants to be a mom but can't? Someone who lost a baby to miscarriage, still birth or something else? Pray for her today. Send her a note. Let her know you care. Believe me, it will mean more than you can imagine.
Thursday, May 5, 2011
All over the place
That pretty much sums up how I'm feeling today. My head is literally reeling after dealing with a hubby who has succumbed to the dreaded flu, a six year old who is stir crazy after so many "sick days" and a little guy who started out ok but ended the day with what appears to be a relapse of the flu.
This morning, I took Noah to his 2 month follow up with our GI doctor. I was a bit discouraged after our last visit, because she didn't seem particularly interested in digging any deeper into Noah's plight. His gut symptoms have gotten much better since starting a new probiotic but he still continues to have bouts with bloating, lack of appetite and rash. It still doesn't make a whole lot of sense to me unless there is still something in his diet that could be causing these symptoms. I finally decided to be bold and mention to the doctor that there are several common allergenic foods that are NOT tested in the panel she requested last time. Oddly enough, that seemed to surprise her! She jumped all over that and ordered a bunch of different tests. The problem is that allergy testing can be difficult, even in "normal" kids, but when there is a compromised immune system involved, it can be even more difficult. But, it's a place to start. So, we will see how this round of testing comes out. We may be chasing our tails, but I feel passionately that it's my job as Noah's mama to make sure that I do everything in my power to keep him healthy.
So, aside from all that, I'm still feeling a tad shell-shocked about our "trial by fire" with Noah and his case of strep throat. talk about a terrifying way to find out if the vaccine worked. It will makes me sick to think about what could have happened if it had not worked. All the more reason to give glory to the Lord! Thank you, Jesus, for protecting my baby boy!
And lastly, there is still the whole matter of the MOVE!!!! We've got some serious work to do to get packing and moved. We have the rest of May to get moved but I know the time will slip away so I'm anxious to get started. I can't wait to spread out, settle in and get organized! If only we could skip over the boxes and the stress of moving....
This morning, I took Noah to his 2 month follow up with our GI doctor. I was a bit discouraged after our last visit, because she didn't seem particularly interested in digging any deeper into Noah's plight. His gut symptoms have gotten much better since starting a new probiotic but he still continues to have bouts with bloating, lack of appetite and rash. It still doesn't make a whole lot of sense to me unless there is still something in his diet that could be causing these symptoms. I finally decided to be bold and mention to the doctor that there are several common allergenic foods that are NOT tested in the panel she requested last time. Oddly enough, that seemed to surprise her! She jumped all over that and ordered a bunch of different tests. The problem is that allergy testing can be difficult, even in "normal" kids, but when there is a compromised immune system involved, it can be even more difficult. But, it's a place to start. So, we will see how this round of testing comes out. We may be chasing our tails, but I feel passionately that it's my job as Noah's mama to make sure that I do everything in my power to keep him healthy.
So, aside from all that, I'm still feeling a tad shell-shocked about our "trial by fire" with Noah and his case of strep throat. talk about a terrifying way to find out if the vaccine worked. It will makes me sick to think about what could have happened if it had not worked. All the more reason to give glory to the Lord! Thank you, Jesus, for protecting my baby boy!
And lastly, there is still the whole matter of the MOVE!!!! We've got some serious work to do to get packing and moved. We have the rest of May to get moved but I know the time will slip away so I'm anxious to get started. I can't wait to spread out, settle in and get organized! If only we could skip over the boxes and the stress of moving....
Sunday, May 1, 2011
Attitude check
The past four days have been incredibly difficult around here. Not only was I dealing with Noah having an infection that could have turned deadly and John being out of town, but then we got the added bonus of a random stomach bug on top of it. I haven't had more than two consecutive hours of sleep in four nights which is no fun. (Totally unrelated side-note: you all may recall my post about my amazing friend Nichole, but she is dealing with a chronically ill child who is on a very regimented diet that does not allow her to sleep through the night yet. She has basically been on a newborn-esque schedule for almost 2 years, which means SHE has not slept through the night in over two years. Just continues to back up the fact that she ROCKS). Anyway, it's been rough. I'm tired. I don't feel good and I just want my hubby to be home and to get a good nights sleep.
In the past, though, when I have been through rough patches, it has always helped me to think through (or in this case, blog through) what I'm thankful for during that rough season. The past four days have had their bits and pieces of silver lining. First of all, my aunt, whom I have not seen since Noah was a newborn decided to come visit with the original intent of helping me pack and prepare for our move. Well, with two sick children and an exhausted mama in the house, there wasn't a whole lot of packing that happened. However, she found time to pack a few boxes (and would have happily done more had I been able to access more in our disastrous garage) and scrubbed out my very neglected refrigerator. That alone was plenty but then when Caleb vomited and an entire days worth of food in the car, darn if she didn't trudge out there with a roll of paper towels, a garbage bag and cleaner and clean up 90% of the mess while I tended to my boy!
I also was very thankful for in-laws who live in town and came to whisk Caleb away on Saturday while Noah was puking every 15 minutes. However, unbeknownst to any of us, he was coming down with the very same bug and exposed them to it! And the cherry-on-top came when I realized that I was going to have to drag the boys out again today because we were about to run out of two essential grocery items and not 10 minutes later came a text from a dear friend, Natalie, telling me she was going to Costco, the grocery store and drug store and wanted to know if I needed anything! How's that for providential.
I should also mention that I am so very thankful for the prayer support of many, many friends and family. Especially during the hours of being down right scared about Noah's situation, it was truly comforting to know we were covered in prayer and love. It's always good to reflect on the positive....now I'm just hoping I'll have the opportunity to dream about all the positives while I sleep all night!
In the past, though, when I have been through rough patches, it has always helped me to think through (or in this case, blog through) what I'm thankful for during that rough season. The past four days have had their bits and pieces of silver lining. First of all, my aunt, whom I have not seen since Noah was a newborn decided to come visit with the original intent of helping me pack and prepare for our move. Well, with two sick children and an exhausted mama in the house, there wasn't a whole lot of packing that happened. However, she found time to pack a few boxes (and would have happily done more had I been able to access more in our disastrous garage) and scrubbed out my very neglected refrigerator. That alone was plenty but then when Caleb vomited and an entire days worth of food in the car, darn if she didn't trudge out there with a roll of paper towels, a garbage bag and cleaner and clean up 90% of the mess while I tended to my boy!
I also was very thankful for in-laws who live in town and came to whisk Caleb away on Saturday while Noah was puking every 15 minutes. However, unbeknownst to any of us, he was coming down with the very same bug and exposed them to it! And the cherry-on-top came when I realized that I was going to have to drag the boys out again today because we were about to run out of two essential grocery items and not 10 minutes later came a text from a dear friend, Natalie, telling me she was going to Costco, the grocery store and drug store and wanted to know if I needed anything! How's that for providential.
I should also mention that I am so very thankful for the prayer support of many, many friends and family. Especially during the hours of being down right scared about Noah's situation, it was truly comforting to know we were covered in prayer and love. It's always good to reflect on the positive....now I'm just hoping I'll have the opportunity to dream about all the positives while I sleep all night!
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