After fall comes winter.....

I love fall. It is by far my favorite time of year.  The chilly nights and mornings are warm afternoons are such a welcome change after the scorching summer heat in Fresno. I'm finding myself this year, though, dealing with a sense of anxiety and anticipation. As we head into fall, we get closer to winter and that is what brings these unsettling feelings. Last winter was one of the most stressful I have ever experienced. Having a baby who was well for no more than 13 days in a row took a toll on all of us. The seemingly endless nights of a crying baby who was unconsolable brings back sickening memories.  The days of being utterly exhausted and not being able to go anywhere weighed on us. The endless doctor appointments, tests and waiting was so frustrating. But, we finally got some answers and got into the care of an excellent specialist who was willing to dig until we figured our little mystery boy out. As winter gave way to spring this year, we started finally started heading in the right direction. Although we're still dealing with some of the long term implications of what he's been through, he's been well for the majority of the summer. We've now gotten to the point where he can go most places without worrying about him getting sick, with one major exception.

Unfortunately, the one place we'd really like him to be able to go is the toddler class at our church. We decided to try this again a week ago to see if his immune system was ready to be around other children. The answer? No. Tuesday morning he woke up clearly not feeling well and we later found out that he has a swollen throat with sores in it. :( So, for now, we will continue to pack a bag full of activities for him and are thankful for a large church that always has other young (and sometimes noisy) children in the services!

So, why re-hash all of this now? The truth is, we have no idea what to expect this winter.  Because there is still a lot unknown about Noah's condition, even the specialist doesn't know if or when his immune system will fully develop and function. Research and case studies of other children indicate that each year should get better and that his system should be fully kicked in by age 5. How accurate and comprehensive this research is, I don't really know.

Hence, the feelings of apprehension and anxiety as we head into the winter. We can only hope and pray that this year will be better and that Noah's system will be more effective in fighting off infection. At the very least, we already have a specialist on board who has made it very clear that we will explore more aggressive treatment options this winter if he starts to head down the same road. It is very comforting to me to know that, at the very least, we won't have to spend all winter suffering and feeling lost. I won't have to feel like a crazy mom. I won't have to look in my little boys teary eyes and say, "I don't know what to do for you." That is VERY comforting to me.

Ultimately, we are confident that the Lord has this all figured out, even if He's not showing us all the cards yet. Our little guys life and well being are in His hands, and truly, there's no better place to be! So, here's to a healthy winter!