My little man

After coming home from my amazing mommy vacation at the end of September, I had envisioned the month of October being one of catching up on projects, planting some fall flowers, cooking freezer meals and getting the house in order for after Noah's eye surgery. Well, after all my energy was re-directed to Caleb and his needs and a very busy month at work, let's just say, not much of that happened. Until last Monday, I had decided I just needed to let go of that, and we would get by just fine. Then, we had Noah's pre-op appointment.

There were several things I was not aware of until Monday. One is that for 2 weeks after eye muscle surgery, the eye muscles (and hence, eye balls) are not stable. The papers they give you say "no contact sports" but then the eye doctor's assistant goes on to describe what that translates to in toddler-land: no running, jumping, bike riding, scooter riding or anything other than just walking. Seriously? Anyone who has spent any time around a 3 year old knows that's just crazy. But, I totally get why it's that way, just not enjoying what that actually looks like. Oh, and no dirt, dust or sand.  So basically, no going outside. Lovely. Then, we find out that as he grows, his eye will likely turn out again and he will require surgery again later in life (if you asked me today, I'd tell you he'll just have to suck it up and deal with a crazy eye til he's 18 cuz we're not doing this again), but I digress. Again, makes sense to me, but still kinda stinks to know this isn't a one-time deal.  And, his eye will most likely turn in (aka be cross-eyed) for a few weeks after the surgery until his brain adjusts to the new position of his muscles. Needless to say, I left that appointment freaking out a little bit about what the next few weeks were going to be like.

We are now 2 days out from surgery and, honestly, it has been as rough as I thought it would be, but in the midst of the difficulty, I am reminded that there is much to be thankful for. First of all, there were no immediate consequences from the surgery or anesthesia, which is huge. The surgeon was very pleased with how the muscles were positioned and complimented him as having big, beefy muscles. :) But, equally as important is the amount of prayer and support we have been surrounded by. All day Thursday, I felt how enveloped we were in prayer.  It was not an easy day, but we got through and did ok. I was blessed by the mother of a patient who has become a friend, who very honestly shared with me what to expect after surgery because no one had prepared her for what her son would look like after eye muscle surgery. I'll spare ya'll the details, but I cannot say enough what a blessing it was to be to be prepared for all that. We have also been blessed by a church family that has made up a meal schedule for us and my sweet sister who got more people on board with that. Just a simple thing like not having to think at all about dinner and having a warm, yummy meal to sit down to is wonderful. I'm also trying to see the silver lining in the amount of time I have spent sitting on the couch with Noah keeping him occupied and quiet, and have been catching up on the blog and some reading when he is quiet.

We are far from done with all this, but I'm hoping the worst is behind us and glad to know that when his eyes are all healed up, our little dude will actually have depth perception and will not fall and hit his head on stuff nearly as often. Thank goodness for that!

My big boy

You may remember that last fall (you can read here if you don't), we had Caleb evaluated by a neuropsychologist who diagnosed him with ADHD (no surprise), and generalized anxiety disorder with possible OCD (quite surprising, actually). He is now doing well on two medications and has had a really good year, except for one issue: his weight. The medication for ADHD is a stimulant, which commonly suppresses appetite. We worked diligently from the beginning to keep his calorie intake up so that he would not lose weight (at 6 years, 49 pounds and 48 inches is pretty skinny) that he did not have to lose. He has held steady over the past year until a month ago. He had 2 doctor appointments 3 weeks apart and in that time he dropped to just above 44 pounds (now 7 years old and still 48 inches tall). Needless to say, we were all very alarmed. We have just recently switched pediatricians (a story for another day), so she was really concerned as these were the first two times we had ever seen her. We immediately went to work on a very structured daily meal plan packing in as many nutrient rich calories as possible. The pediatrician asked us to go see his neuropsychologist again to see what he thought of the situation because she thought it must be the medication, wanted us to work on increasing calories and to come back in 2-3 weeks.

John and I went and met with the specialist last Friday and he was quite puzzled by the situation, but was rather adamant that the medication could not be the sole cause for the sudden weight loss. If the medication were going to cause that kind of side effects, it would have done so in the first month or two, not a year later.  When looking at the whole picture of all his current symptoms, he raised the question of if he might have a thyroid or adrenal gland issue. I had honestly never even thought about that nor had our previous pediatrician ever mentioned that. So, back to the pediatrician we went this past Tuesday. Caleb gained back almost 3 pounds which is AMAZING but at the same time, still puzzling as to why he dropped it in the first place and why he has essentially weighed the same and been the same height for 18 months now. I asked her what she thought about testing his thyroid and her response was, "Well, that was ruled out before the ADHD meds, right?". Um, no. Apparently, that is one of the things that could/should be checked before starting meds. This was further confirmation that we had made the right choice in switching pediatricians.

So, for now, we are awaiting the thyroid test results and will see where we go from there.  In the meantime, we are working diligently on Caleb's diet. He has been a trooper and is very proud of himself when he eats all his food for the day and that he has made up his own menu, complete with numbers (which I apparently didn't learn quickly enough!). Needless to say, I was rather surprised to be spending the past month so focused on Caleb's health, when I thought October was going to be all about getting ourselves ready for Noah's surgery. Ah, the roller coaster ride of parenting!

Schooling our boy...year 3

So far, each of Caleb's formal school years have looked a little different. We solely home schooled for kindergarten and then last year, started him at a charter school which ended in disaster but ultimately led us to Fresno Christian. (You can read this post if you missed that debacle). He had a great year and we loved having him there. But, there was one issue that remained heavy on our hearts. Because of the nature of John's business, he works late afternoons and evenings. Last year, his schedule allowed him to pick Caleb up at school and spend about an hour with him most afternoons. This year, though, that was not going to be possible. Caleb being in full day 2nd grade at Fresno Christian was going to mean that his daddy would drop him off at school in the morning and they wouldn't get to see each other again until the next morning.

The hardest part of the dilemma was that my heart and John's were in different places. All I could see was how much Caleb had thrived last year and so badly wanted him to have a full year, start to finish, in the same place again. I wanted to try to shift around our morning schedule so they could have some quality time together in the mornings and make weekend time more intentional. But, that wasn't going to work for my man. He was wanting to homeschool full time again. I'm not going to lie....I didn't want to. I wasn't prepared to homeschool and felt like I couldn't do it well with our schedules and Noah's needs.  I was digging my heels in and so was hubby. Not a pretty scenario. After many tears, lots of conversations and prayers, this is what I found out: unbeknownst to me, Caleb and John had had a heart-wrenching conversation on the last day of first grade. Caleb told him how much he loved school but that he had really, really missed his daddy. *yikes* And this year, there would be even less time for him to spend with daddy. A.lot.less. Once my heart was opened to what the real issue was and I truly understood where my hubby was coming from, I knew we had to figure something out.

Then, we found out that, once again, we could do things a little differently. Fresno Christian has allowed several families in the past to do half school based learning and half home school. Well, it actually works out to be more like 70/30. Only a few days before school started (because we are lame like that), John went to the office and got it all sorted out. Caleb would go to school for the morning and come home after lunch and do his afternoon work at home. With his daddy. Win-win!!! Caleb gets all his reading, writing and math (which is by far his favorite subject) in the classroom, has lunch and recess with his classmates and then comes home to do social studies and science before John goes to work. It took a couple weeks to get into a good rhythm but we're getting it all worked out and he is doing really well!

I was again humbled to realize that my plans are not always the best and that it continues to be our responsibility (and right) as parents of our children to evaluate what the best method of education is for each child each year. And once I quit ignoring my husband (and the Lord, for that matter), I was able to see that Caleb really gets the best of both worlds this way.  He is still experiencing the school year start to finish in the same place AND gets to spend at least 2 hours of quality time with his dad each day. Let me just say, my husband is pretty stinkin' amazing when it comes to his passion for being involved in raising his boys into men. And, I'm really proud of him for having the courage and leadership he showed in changing the plans for this year when this red-headed wife of his isn't being very cooperative. Again, so humbled. And so excited for another great year of schooling for our boy!

A Year of Words

Today was the end of Noah's services through our local early intervention program. After coming home from saying our goodbyes to Ms. Debbie, his speech therapist, I was remembering back to where he was just over a year ago. He has come a long, long way!

One year ago, Noah was 24 months old and his speech was at a 12-15 month level. Each and every speech session we had focused on getting him to either sign or make a sound for things that he wanted, rather than pointing, grunting or crying. It took a lot of creativity to get him to engage in any attempts to make sounds.  We would work in one of the OT gyms so that he could do physical activity while being coaxed to talk. We played lots of "ready-set-go" games and early on, we celebrated when he would attempt to say go after the therapist said ready-set.....and it sounded more like "KO!!!".

Today, Noah is 3 days shy of being 36 months and his speech is right about 26 months. He is still behind but has made so. much. progress. There was a beautiful moment in his speech session today, where he started a game by saying "weady! set! GO!!!!", ran and jumped off the mat then exclaimed, "I did it!!!" Such sweet words to hear from my little man. Yes, you sure did do it, Noah. Mama and Papa are very proud of you. In just a few weeks, we'll get to meet your new therapist who will help us get the rest of the way there. I can't wait to hear all the new things you're going to be saying in the next year!

First the ears, now the eyes.

Those of you who have been following our blog know that we were very excited to get Noah's tubes placed and get on with his language progression and helping him catch up. Glad to be in smooth waters for a change. And then we started noticing that his eye we had been keeping close watch on seemed to be getting worse. He was diagnosed with a superior oblique palsy in his left eye (fancy term for eye that wanders up and out) last year.  Because of all his other health issues, we have been watching it closely, but not treating. The eye doctor had told us that when he was healthier, we could work on getting him in glasses and that he *might*, somewhere down the line, need eye muscle surgery. We've noticed that he's been falling. A lot. We started paying closer attention after his fall that required 9 stitches just above his left eye. He's actually run right into things a few times (that we've witnessed...who know's how many times we haven't seen). I decided it was time to get him back into the eye doctor. After having to be persistent that I did not want to wait until the end of September, we got in to see her two weeks ago.

It's never a good thing when the doctor walks in the room, crouches down to talk face to face with your child then stands up and says, "Well, it certainly looks like you need my help!".  After she looked at a series of tests one of the techs did and then tested his eyes herself, she said that she was pretty sure this was not just a muscle palsy, but rather a structural problem. In. both. eyes. Say what???? Turns out that his right eye is off too, but we never noticed because it looks pretty normal compared to the left! She estimates he has no depth perception about 80% of the time. Well, that certainly explains why he falls and runs into things! At this point, we had been in the office for HOURS and Noah and I were both tired and crabby and it was all I could do not to burst into tears. When we left, the plan was that we will be doing some eye muscle training using eye drops for the next month then return to see her for more testing and to further discuss surgery. At least I thought that was the plan. I got a call two days later from her surgery scheduler saying that doctor really wanted to get this surgery on the books. She went on to explain that it will involve correcting the position of four muscles around each eye. So, it's now scheduled for October 25th. I have a lot of praying and processing to do before then, but for now, am keeping myself busy with other stuff and trying not to think about it the scary parts too much but am choosing to remember all these positives:

1. His doctor has done hundreds and hundreds of these surgeries over the past 20 years.
2. He will have the same anesthesia he had for his ear tubes that we know he does ok with. (And this is no small thing!)
3. The surgery will be in the same small surgery center as his ear tubes. (We were really happy with the facility and staff).
4. The doctor told me that she has observed over her career that age 3 seems to be the perfect age for eye muscle surgery. Any younger is not good and the older you get, the harder the recovery.
5. Last, but by no means LEAST, the same Sovereign God who knit this child together in my womb already knows the plan and will be there alongside us. Every. step. of. the. way. Can I get an AMEN???

This too shall pass.

I've debated back and forth about writing this post, but ultimately decided it was worth sharing. Partly because it's a bit therapeutic to put my thoughts and feelings into words and partly because I know that I'm not alone. There is a phrase I grew up hearing on occasion and have come to rely on frequently in difficult situations...."this too shall pass". There have been many times in life that this was a healthy way to look at a difficult situation; to keep an eternal perspective on the difficulties of life. But, I've come to realize recently that I've been going back to that phrase WAY too often with regards to my children lately.

After struggling through our fertility issues and the intensity of his birth, the joy that filled our lives when Caleb arrived was powerful. I remember savoring the moments early in his life, even when things  weren't easy, and being determined not to "wish-away" any part of his little life. I wanted to enjoy all of it. The good, the bad and the ugly. And, I have to say, I did a pretty good job. When our second (and quite unexpected) little boy arrived, I savored his early little life as well, even though it was more challenging with a pre-schooler on my hands too.

But then, somewhere over the past couple years, I have struggled off and on with keeping the joy in my journey of motherhood. Especially the past couple months. An almost 3 year old who is just learning to communicate his needs and wants to us (all the while having a very definite opinion about EVERYTHING) and a 7 year old who is very active, emotional and smart can be quite the overwhelming combination sometimes. When I find myself in the midst of days on end of questioning whether life will ever seem easy, sometimes the ONLY thing that keeps me sane is realizing that "this too shall pass". BUT, I'm realizing that I don't want this to just pass. I don't want to white-knuckle my way through this phase as I have been, because then I am too overwhelmed and exhausted to enjoy the truly beautiful parts of these ages. I've been missing out on way too much of the good stuff because I'm so busy consoling myself with "this too shall pass".  It's time for this girl to put her big girl panties on embrace this enormous, amazing blessing I have been given, as imperfect and flawed as it may be!

Phew...so there you have it.  Probably not my most articulate post, but one that has been a long time coming. Here's to embracing ALL of motherhood!

Summer fun

I cannot believe how fast the summer is going by! Caleb has been out of school for over 2 months and only has 3 weeks left before starting second grade!!! It's been a really crazy and somewhat stressful (to put it mildly) summer but we've had lots of fun too.

We took a little hike down around the Fresno River

John and I escaped for the day to spend some time with this beautiful couple in SF. :)

Enjoyed apps and drinks and a very cool tequila bar in the city.

Chillin' with our buddies on the 4th of July

Sparklers in a play-do tub....great idea!

Crazy daddy with sparklers (and a cigar).

Grandma and Grandpa came to visit for a week and we got an ice cream maker...the big boy wanted to be in charge. :)

Two very happy boys on the train at Gilroy Gardens

G-pa with 2 of his 4 grands.

Sweet brother moment.

Paddle boats!

Very fun water play area at Gilroy Gardens

Both boys loved the water...definitely going back

Boys with their Ma-maw and G-pa

So proud of my big boy who earned his Yellow Belt this past Saturday.

A very proud Papa/Instructor

Little brother enjoying his cupcake at the party.

In the midst of the bits and pieces of fun we've had there's been a lot of other stuff going on...but I'll share some of that later....for now, enjoy the cute picts of my little people!